House of Reviews

First, although I don't think you need to change the title, be aware that an "entity" is anything that has discrete existence. I'm an entity, you're an entity, the cat's an entity, even Microsoft is an entity. So her reference to herself as an entity really doesn't tell us much. Do you perhaps mean "avatar" or something like that?

Cardinal rule of fantasy: Pick an idiom and stick with it. She starts out speaking in the "formal" style many people expect to hear in stories set in imaginary realms, but then refers to her mind as "laid back". That strikes a sour note, as does Tobias saying "Wow!"
I think most readers will associate the use of contemporary slang with comedy, and I don't think that's what you're after.

I did read all the chapters. The very best moment, in my opinion, the one that really startled me, is right after she has killed the man and suddenly hears the scolding voice in her head. I got interested in her then. She is actually, in my opinion, LESS interesting once she begins interacting with Tobias. She just sounds like a spoiled little girl, and that really doesn't fit with the remote, confident voice in the Prologue and first chapters. I'd stick with that original voice. It would be very interesting to hear Tobias trying to talk to THAT consciousness. I'd also NOT have her tell her origin story. Let the reader wonder. It's a very comic-book ploy to stop the action and let the super-being tell an origin story ("....and then I was bitten by the radioactive cockroach...."), and it just slows things down.

Good luck with this, and thanks for posting. I apologize for the delay in reviewing it.