House of Reviews

First, your command of prose is good and solid. You have the technical skill to go forward with this piece and plenty of others.

When the claws come out, it just seems like an episode of Marvel's Incredible Hulk. You have a protagonist who felt his mother's flesh stuck in his hair. That by itself is worth exploring, feeling, letting the reader understand. I'd start there. Fine if you want him to be the heir to some horrible energy, but let him stay a person with whom we can empathize--that's where evil becomes real for a reader, when it's so grounded in something that they can relate to that it's TOO near. (read Stephen King's essay on why horror works--I think it's called Why We Crave Horror Stories)

I'm not a horror writer, but I think one thing that happens often to writers who try this type of story is to be too influenced by popular culture standards of narrative. Though the narrative consciousness follows Marcus, it's still overly concerned with the tender flesh of a victim who really, well, isn't anybody. She is not the protagonist. This isn't her story. Victims of your monster have to be living people before we'll care if they die. Teri is developed enough to qualify at this point.

Give this guy some significant time to let us get to know him. Make it either during some totally quiet non-violent time--or else right after he's committed mayhem and is having to do damage control. Basically, experiment with starting where this ended. If we still begin with him rummaging for a cigarette while his chick is passed out, we need to be acutely aware that something is VERY wrong and that the air is charged with menace--inevitable menace that has more meaning for his safety than even for hers.

Good luck with this, and thanks for posting. I apologize for the delay in reviewing this.