Erotica Harem

MY COMMENTS WILL BE ** RED:
MY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE BLUE
REPEATING WORDS WILL BE underlined and bolded

Title: "Invalid Item"  (Signed, Sealed and Delivered)

Chapter: (Chapter 6)

Author: Carol McKenzie

Just My Personal Opinion: I‘m bypassing the usual headings. If something stands out to me, I make mention of here.

I realize the italics didn't come through, Carol, but I did mark places where they should be, for ease of reference.

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Please remember that these are only my opinions.
Please use whatever you feel is right for you.
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It was so cold her teeth chattered. Outside noise, cruisers, radios and the older cop who asked questions made it impossible for her to hear the attendant who had just loaded Clint into the back of the ambulance. "Just a minute, please." She held a cupped hand to her ear so she could hear his words.

"We're taking him to County General," someone told a deputy, (comma) but she couldn’t (?) she didn't see his face. A photographer took a picture of the scene.

The attendant told her, "Clint says he'll be all right. Don't worry. He wants you to answer all the questions."

She watched the ambulance slowly leave, (comma) driving west (no comma) toward County General. Outraged, her head spinning, she stayed and answered the questions as best she could. The police explained that they would search for clues at her house, once they talked to a judge.

"Go ahead and do anything you need to get him off the street." I had an idea Phillip was bad, but I didn't know how bad. * Is this her personal thought or does she say to the officer?

Finally, Forty minutes later, when the police told her she could leave, exhausted, she drove to the hospital and left word that she was there. "I'll be in the waiting room," she told a nurse at the triage station. "I'm going to wait until the doctor treats him." She ambled down the hall, went to the restroom and got a drink of water. I hope he'll be okay. Personal thought? Perhaps add just a tad more of her guilt here?

Quiet finally arrived when Janelle dozed off sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the Surgery Floor's waiting room. Waiting Room. She opened her eyes and gazed outside at the dark sky. The television set on a wall stand played to an empty room. How long have I been asleep? What time is it? (italics) She raised a wrist and checked her Bulova. Jeez. Almost three a.m. almost? (italics) She rose, stretched and ambled (she “ambled” above, perhaps strolled?) to the white, well-lit (hyphen) desk where three nurses worked busily poured on charts. (?) over books. Janelle spoke to a chubby faced dark-skinned woman who filled out papers.

The middle-aged woman gazed over the rims of her glasses. "Yes? May I help you?"

"Um, I'm wondering about Clint Sutherland." She raised a hand and pointed toward the Surgery Floor's Waiting Room. * This may be different in the US, but Surgery is usually one area. Waiting Room might be another specific term. In most hospitals, surgery rooms are usually on one floor. "I was waiting for word in the next room and fell asleep."

"Oh, okay. Let me see." She brought the pen between her fingers up to her temple and it seemed she gave Janelle's inquiry ample thought. "Okay...let's see...the Deputy Sheriff. All right, here it is. He's had surgery and has been taken (passive voice) to a room just now. Sorry we didn't get to you sooner. We've changed shifts and all. It's...let's see...room 232."

Janelle departed with a murmured/mumbled (?) "thanks," stepping toward his room. She carried Clint's soiled Stetson in her hands. (?) carrying his soiled Stetson.

"Ma'am?" one of the nurses asked.

"Yes?"

"Deputy Sutherland's asleep right now and he may be for the next several hours. If you want to get some rest and come back, it's that’s (?) fine. Are you related?"

Janelle shook her head. "Uh, no. He's a close friend. I'll look in on him before I go. (?) then go. Tell him I'll come back later." * I was researching yesterday and found a well-known romance publisher’s pet writing peeves. I can’t find the site any more (damn) but she said the two worthless things she sees in writing are semicolons (which you mentioned to me) and the word “then.” I think that in dialogue, this word wouldn’t be an issue, though, as this is plainly how people speak. Just thought I’d share.

"Okay."

Janelle arrived at the door, straightened her clothes and stepped quietly into the room. A lot of action here. Perhaps break it up a bit (period) She moved toward the bed and stopped at the edge. (?) moving toward his bed; she stopped. He lay still. A large white bandage covered his arm. A soft corner light barely lit the room. A tall dark skinned nurse * This is the second reference to a “dark skinned” nurse came in and took his pulse. All three sentences begin with “A” so it’s giving a monotonous tone to your voice.

"He's lucky he isn't dead from what I've heard on the radio."

"Oh, I know." She placed the hat on a nearby chair and returned to the bed.

Janelle bit her lip and gazed down at him a few minutes after the nurse left. She placed her flat hand on his covered chest. He saved me from Phillip's bullet. I can't believe it. (italics) Clint looked so peaceful lying there. His darkly fringed eyelids eyelashes contrasted against the paleness of his skin. (?) remained closed. He's such a hunk. this thought just seems out of place here for me, Carol. Janelle is feeling guilty about Phillip shooting Clint, and having her pause to think he's a hunk kind of takes away the tenderness of the moment. Can I suggest having her brush a strand of hair away off his forehead?

A stabbing sensation of guilt penetrated her emotions and tears stung her eyes. Shoving the unsettling topic aside, she decided to come back later. * But she already decided this earlier because of the nurse’s comment Before she walked out into the cold, early morning in County General's visitor's lot, she pressed a kiss to her hand and touched his cheek. The sequence of events is out of order here. Perhaps have her kiss him and then walk out into the parking lot?

Exhaustion took its toll. Despite her grave misgivings about going home, she climbed into Clint's pickup truck and drove to her house. Where else can I go? Sleeping in the car all night was dangerous too. Music played on the stereo, but she paid little attention. She parked, (comma) went inside and talked to one of the police officers who sorted through a gun case that had held ammo. * Perhaps make mention that she sees a police car in front of her house? She obtained permission to retrieve some personal things. They were going through her closets, desks and drawers. Why were they going through the closets and the attic? Did they know something she didn't? After going back outside, she put a packed suitcase into the front driver's side. After calling Tweedles to her, she picked her up and carried her back to Clint's pickup.

Mrs. Owens, wearing a pink robe under her coat and curlers in her hair, came outside and crossed the street to where Janelle stood. Janelle She put the cat in the truck and shut the door, hoping the cat animal wouldn't harm his interior. She spent five minutes filling her filling in the neighbor about …(?) in on the sordid story and gave her a cell number to call if she saw Phillip or his red ‘Vette in the neighborhood or anywhere because the cops wanted to question him. (?) him.

"Don't go near him. He's very dangerous,” she warned Mrs. Owen. (?) “I'm thinking now that I'm afraid to go She's already home, so perhaps, "stay at home?" home until he's captured." Maybe I should ask Mrs. Owens if I could--no, I won't. I don't want to be a bother. Because she doesn’t follow through with this, is it needed?

Janelle drove to the Parkway Motel on the outskirts town and rented a single room, vowing to call Kyra the moment she awoke. Management allowed her to have her cat there, considering her circumstances. It is It’s (?) kind of a dive, but I don't care right now. If it has a bed, a shower and a bathroom, it'll work. (italics)

Minutes later, she unlocked the door and went inside. The motel room needed some remodeling done, but she thanked her lucky stars she could rent it for the night. Besides, tired as she was, it didn't matter the she didn’t care in the least about the (?) color of the walls, carpeting or bedspread. She shut and locked the door, (comma) and turned on a light. Though vaguely she She vaguely (?) noticed that management had used a green theme when they had decorated the place. (?) it. The carpeting matched the double-sized bedspread, at least. The light beige bathroom had tarnished silver fixtures--a tad old-fashioned, but convenient for visitors to the out of the way town of Riverton. I don't feel like worrying about anything that moment. I may be feeling sorry for myself, but it seems I have the weight of strong guilt and worry about Clint's condition falling squarely on my shoulders right now. This, to me, seems like a very complicated thought. Maybe a long sleep would help. Moreover, maybe tomorrow I'll call my parents down in Florida.

After she showered and snapped off the lights, Janelle partially undressed, and dropped on the bed with Tweedles. Without pulling the covers down, she slept as though she'd been drugged, for six hours. At 1:00 p.m. the next afternoon, she awoke to a furious banging on the motel room door. Dear God, (comma) don't let it be Phillip. Surely, (comma) he hasn't found me again. (italics) When she heard a familiar voice, she climbed out of bed, (comma) knowing (?) thinking she would be all right.

"Hold on!" she shouted as she pulled the spread off the bed and wrapped it around herself. Keep together Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she crossed the green, (comma) scratchy carpeting. She unfastened the lock and opened the door. Janelle tried to shove away the grogginess and disorientation.

Kyra's frowning, unhappy face greeted her. (Perhaps add the tears comment here?)

"Come inside." Perhaps have this sentence here: Janelle reached for Kyra's coat sleeve, pulled her inside and closed the door behind her.

Tears glossed Kyra's cheeks.

Janelle reached for Kyra's coat sleeve, pulled her inside and closed the door behind her.

"You need to go somewhere else, Janelle. If I can find you here so can he, the bastard. I'm sure they'll catch him. It's just that everyone in town knows you're here. You've got to go somewhere else. I'm so worried."

"Why are you crying, Kyra?"

"It's for you and Clint. Oh my God! I heard about it and I'm so sorry. That awful man!"

Her caring concern touched her. "You're absolutely right about me needing to get out of here. I just have to figure out what to do."

Kyra wore off-white slacks and a dark red sweater under a dark green thigh length coat. There's a a lot nouns here) Her glossy lipstick matched her sweater. "If he's going to come back, I'd say he'd look at my house too." * Is what Kyra is wearing important to the scene/moment? Perhaps just mention as usual, Kyra looked beautiful or something?

"I'll find somewhere to hide until he's caught. I'll stay here one more night. I don't know, maybe not too." I’m assuming you mean “two”. Is this last part needed?

"Let me know. I'm so worried. I sure didn't think he would find you at Lonnie's last night."

"The police are going through my house like they're looking for something."

"Drugs?"

"I don't know."

"I have my feelings." This leaves me with questions and I think it monumental to the situation. Why would Kyra have these ‘feelings?’ And yet, you don’t elaborate on anything further about it, or Janelle’s reaction to it. Inquiring minds want to know.

Janelle heard sincerity in Kyra's voice and saw compassion in her emotion. Her friendship touched her heart. She raised her hands and wrapped her arms around Kyra's shoulders, calming her. "I'm okay, Kyra. I guess I should've gotten the divorce sooner, shouldn't I?" She let out an elongated sigh. "I think I'll go to Mom and Dad's. Maybe I'll give the law a chance to bring him down." An involuntary moan left her lips. "Can you watch my cat? I just don't know what else to do. I'll get a leave of absence at the factory and go."

"Would he go there?"

"To Florida? Or the factory?"

"I know if he were looking for you, (comma) he'd go to the factory. But Would he go to your parent's house?" A quiver of fear resonated/echoed in her voice. (?)

Janelle drew her shoulders up into a shrug. "I dunno. I don't know how his mind works anymore."

"It's better to take the safest route."

An elongated sigh second instance of an elongated sigh. of frustration left her lips. "Darn, I hate leaving now, (comma) but I suppose if I have to, (comma) I could go stay with Mom and Dad in Florida."

"Talk to your new Deputy boyfriend and see what he has to say about your problem." There’s no big “catch” here to end the chapter. I might suggest having Janelle realize that she should have been at the hospital hours ago, or wallowing in her own grief that she forgot about Clint…or something. Perhaps the phone rings and they both turn to look at it, frightened, shocked, stunned? Who would be calling her there? I know it’s a rough draft, Carol, so I thought I’d throw out some ideas. Perhaps it's the hospital...Janelle, in her exhaustion, forgot she called there before she went to sleep and left the number of the hotel?

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