Erotica Harem

Hi, Carol.

Okay, I’ve read through it and instead of going line-by-line, I thought I would put forth my thoughts. Your rewrites are usually fabulous, and I think that if I offer you some suggestions, you will run wild with them and amaze me.

First, I think the reader needs to know that Greg is gay right at the beginning. I found this to be ambiguous, and I didn’t know for certain until the rack scene. I might suggest sharing this with the reader, either when Gideon first visits Greg, or when he’s talking to Ivory.

The scene with the demigods, I found, for me, doesn’t work. Having Gideon take Greg on his own terms lends more of an arrogance feel to it, at least for me, to the overall theme of the story. These other entities are demigods and yet, I found them to be like college kids taking a shower together and gossiping. Again, this is just me, Carol, but I found them not to be believable. If you decide to keep it in, I would suggest formalizing their speech, without the “yeah words” or slang. They are, after all, demigods and this unique characterization needs come forward…the holier-than-thou attitude that differentiates them from an ordinary human.

I wanted to read more emotional impact, especially when Gideon takes Greg. I didn’t feel Greg’s fear or confusion, I didn’t see his facial expressions, or sense the swallowing lump of dread. He read very meek and nonchalant for me. As well, Gideon needs to be much more arrogant. He tends to be a little sympathetic toward Greg in certain areas. Sure, he wants Greg, but he’s taking him no matter what. Showing him the sights of his palace and then returning him didn’t make sense to me (again, this is just me). I might suggest having this revealed through Gideon’s inner thoughts: The Powers that Be cannot control me; I am a powerful demigod, and I get what I want, etc. He doesn’t care about the repercussions this might have on the world, or the higher power he serves. If the Powers that Be find out what he’s done, the ultimate punishment could be exile in purgatory, or something like that. Gideon wants Greg, and he’s going take him, and that’s all there is to it. He needs to be more aggressive and powerful – he is a demigod, strong, powerful and magical. Again, you could go so many ways with just the “magical” aspect. Have him tease Greg more when he visits him in bed. Perhaps go night by night as Gideon controls his mind and body. This will give a work-up for what is to come. Show and tell the reader Greg’s excitement (have him even masturbate for Gideon as his watches in his ethereal state), share Greg’s confusion with the reader, and the intrigue he feels from this entity visiting him. Another aspect might be is after he abducts Greg, and shows him the rack, there’s no waiting. He ensnares Greg to the contraption and it begins right then and there. This may have more of a shock impact on the reader too .

I love the idea of Valèn taking Gideon. Who would ever suspect a demigod begin forced into servitude by the Devil’s son? It adds that dimension of surprise and shock value to the overall plot.

Be careful of forgetting certain actions of your characters. There is an area where you have the underling removing the gag-ball from Greg’s mouth, but two paragraphs down, Greg is mumbling against it.

Search for repeating words and try to alleviate them. I also noted a fair amount of “as” words too. Try and do a “search and destroy” of “as,” and “then” too.

Now for Gideon’s punishment, I wonder if we could have Valèn ensnare Gideon on his own rack, but his own magic will not allow him escape, for Valèn is too powerful. Gideon will feel the helplessness and arrogant pride that Gideon’s maintained throughout with Greg. (?)

Let me know if I can help further.

Dusk