Erotica Harem

Prologue: The First Time
Plot: Jaselyn spends a lot of time on the beach and did so growing up with childhood boyfriend who takes her virginity in a sweet and poignant way.

Comment: I like the romantic setting and am aggravated with the mothers who take off for the bars at night.

Take what you want of my ideas and discard the rest. We all have different ideas and see writing through different filters.

I see a few things you could work on that would make your writing really shine.

1. Get rid of most instances of the passive voice. { was, were, could, should, would, she is beginning, she was doing this, etc. I'd bone up on it. I catch myself doing this. I can see things in others writing that I don't see in my own sometimes.}

2. Vary sentence structure. Don't start a lot of sentences with "She" or "He."
3. Don't use "as" very often at all. Again it has to do with sentence structure.
4. Read phrases to see if it seems realistic or silly.
5. Remember P.O.V. and if we're in someone's head what we can or cannot see or think.
6.Avoid repetition of words, phrases and ideas.
7. If it is dark, then the POV character cannot see things too well.
8. Show don't tell, even if you have to write a scene to show. Or...let in stuff we need to know in itty bitty digestible bits in like dialogue. It seems that narration is okay in two or three paras. of setting details.
9. Watch out for too much eye action. Have characters do other things to show what you want.

This would be a great little prologue if re-written using the above ideas, I believe.




Jaselyn sat between her niece and nephew on the beach. The sandcastle in front of them was growinggrew immensely, its moat was now full of water Active voice --> Water filled its moat SEMICOLON plastic green alligators floated in it.and had plastic green alligators floating in it, half of which were belly-up. She grinned and ran her hand through Dylon’s golden spikes, wondering how he got them to stand so straight while they were still so soft.

His dark eyes snuck a quick peek at her before he grinned and dumped a pail of water in her lap. Giggling, she picked him up and ran towards the incoming waves. Stephy, her six year old niece, shrieked and chased behind Jase, demanding that she put her big brother down.

An hour later, after having played in the waves and winning two splashing contests, Jase shooed the kids up the beach into the house before she collapsed in her favorite hammock spread between two palms. She gazed up at the small cottage that sat at the edge of her property line. She wondered if he were was home?

Jase looked up into darkened windows of the house at the edge of her property. repeatShe wondered if Rayne were home. better as a direct thought? --> Is Rayne at home?

They had grown up next door to each other. His mother and her mother were alcoholic beach bunnies. Both children had been fatherless, living with mothers who spent their days drinking and watching their kids play on the beach and their nights at the clubs.

Rayne was older than she. She would turn twenty this summer, while Rayne was already twentyhyphen two. As young children, the age difference had not mattered. They had built sandcastles together, swam, played hide and seek, and snuggled up together for their naps.

As Rayne had gotten older he had stopped coming to the beach to play with her. Suddenly his two years turned into twenty, and he was too big and too old to play with a baby. She was eight the last time he built her a castle. As she had gotten older, the castles had become a memory as her tanning lotion, headset, and beach towel had taken over. She spent her days alone on the beach, stretched out reading a book or listening to music. Every now and then Rayne would come down and sit and talk to her.

He had been the one who dried her tears when her first boyfriend broke up with her. He’d made her laugh by threatening to go “break the loser’s legs.” Yet, two years later, on her 16th birthday, he had paved the way to breaking her heart himself.
all the preceding in green is what some publishers/editors call an info dump. Is there some way this information can come out naturally without "teaching" the reader? I get into trouble for this all the time. They don't like you to tell it, but show it.

“Jase, I just wanted to come tell you happy birthday.” His voice had been deeper than she remembered as she watched him make he made his way down the beach toward her.

She sat on the alone as the sun set over the water, tears rolling down her face. Her mother had forgotten that it was her birthday. Instead she had met up with Rayne’s mother and her newest boyfriend and the trio gone club hopping. She’d left Jaselyn a twenty dollar bill and told her to order pizza. telling...can you show?

When Jaselyn looked up at him with her tear streaked face[comma] he dropped into the sand beside her. She cried silently as he rubbed his thumb across her knee.

When her sobs finally not necessary..perhaps even redundant. subsided he wrapped her in his arms and stared off into the darkness. His hand found her hair and weaved itself into the auburn mass of curls. Traci taught me this...since we are in her body and head for this scene, we cannot tell her hair color. However, if we were in his shoes and he could see her and it was daylight, then we could tell her hair color. There are tricky, sneaky ways to do this...like in comparison of someone's hair to her own. .

Jaselyn lifted herself from his shoulder and looked up into his face as he turned to her. With his fist in her hair [comma]he gentlytilted her head back gently and laid pressed ? his lips against hers. The heat of him less wordy? His heat ? seared her, and it was the first time she had been kissed that way. When his tongue brushed her lower lip[comma] she jumped. He chuckled at her response, making her feel silly, until she opened her lips to him.

Fire enveloped her, shooting through her like a disease. The previous wording does not strike true... Before his heat seared her. Now fire envelops her and shoots through her like disease. Does disease shoot through people? Her skin tingled where it met his. She complied as he laid her back against the sand, his lower body spread out next to hers while his chest pressed against hers and his mouth fed her a first taste of heaven. you may want to check out and work on your over use of the word "as" Some publishers do not care for the overuse of it.

Boldness took hold of Jaselyn and less wordy ---> In a bold move, she wrapped her arms around his neck, hoping that he wouldn’t stop kissing her. She shivered as the soft pads of his fingers trailed their way down her throat. Her heart raced as he skimmed over the thin material that covered her small breasts. “Take it off.” He whispered against her lips.

She hesitated before pushing herself up on her elbows and fumbling onehyphen handed with her bikini top. She felt clumsy and nervous as he reached around her and clicked the clasp open. She closed her eyes as his lips left hers and traced the angle of her jaw, the curve of her throat, the tender skin between the mounds of pink flesh she knew he was after. I'd like to caution you on the starting of two sentences with "she" Perhaps vary sentence structure. Again, the overuse of "as" in this sentence.

When his tongue flicked against one rosy nipple[comma] if it is dark outside how can they see the color of her nipple? she arched into him as she whimpered. She fought the feeling of restlessness that tried to drag her into a cesspool This is a personal thing, but if you're wanting this lovemaking session to be beautiful and sexy, I would hesitate using the ugly word "cesspool" To most women it would be a turn off. Maybe abyss? of unknown feelings. She bit her lip and dug her hands into the sand beside her.

She watched at Rayne's tongue danced along her skin, Reword previous clause? a cool trail of moisture and breeze heightening her senses as he dipped into her belly button. The palm of his hand cupped her private place, the place no one else had ever touched before and she stilled beneath him. check useage of "as"

When his eyes rose to her face she met them. Less cumbersome wording here--> Their eyes caught and held? She could have melted under them, the way they had turned shadowy took her breath away. previous sentence doesn't make sense. "Don't be afraid. I won't go any further than you want me to."

As she pushed her fear aside, Jase nodded at him and allowed him to break the eye contact. How can a woman allow a man to break eye contact? She gazed at him, his head laying on her stomach while he gently traced her don't laugh, but do you mean pussy lips or mouth lips? I'd be specific here because women would like to hear the word...or just say "the swollen lips of her pussy." lips through the bikini bottoms.

Suddenly, Rayne raised up and looked at her. He said nothing, just looked and her heart stopped. there's a lot of eye work going on. She knew he was going to stop. Knew it, and hated it. He did. He rose to his feet and held out a hand to her. She reached for her bikini top, but he was faster and tucked it into the back pocket of his Levi's before holding his hand back out to her.

Jaselyn knew her cheeks were flaming. flaming...her cheeks..it seems strong here...how about just flushed...but then again...since it's dark we cannot see her cheeks too well in the dark. Did I miss some type of a light that was on them earlier? Rayne was getting in a lot of firsts here. Previous...is telling...can you put it in personal thought like I'm getting in a lot of firsts tonight. Even though the sun no longer peeked over the ocean, she had no doubt that Rayne could see her clearly. Curiosity pushed nagged? at her as she looked at the bronzed hand again, is it dark? If so we cannot see the hand color. reaching out to her. She met his eyes eyework again and the word "as" as she placed her hand in his and watched it disappear as as again he closed his fingers around it.

As overuse of as Rayne pulled her to her feet and into a run across the sand, Jaselyn giggled. There had been many odd moments in the last few years, as she had gotten older and began to fill out, Rayne had often looked at her in a way that made her blush. Now running across the beach, she understood why.

They ran for what seemed like forever, fingers laced together. When Rayne finally stopped, Jase was out of breath. show Jase out of breath in active voice. She looked up and laughed, the tinkle of her voice echoing through the air. The old clubhouse.

Rayne had build the clubhouse with some of his boyhood friends. They had refused to let Jaselyn inside, no matter how much she begged and cried. Yet here they stood. "Do I finally get to go in?"

Rayne didn't answer her and she grinned to herself as he stepped into the pristine little hut. did it have the lights on? Smell, hearing, tactile? It looked like a miniature log cabin. She followed. Her breath caught in her throat and a hysterical laugh threatened to make itself heard. previous sounds strange about a hysterical laugh threatening to make noise. A feather mattress lay on the floor in one corner. GI-Joe covered the bed and the pillows alike. Four lawn chairs sat around a beautiful handmade table. Pictures of supermodels lined the walls.

She was so engrossed in looking around the clubhouse that she didn't notice Rayne disrobing in the corner. If we are in her head and she didn't notice him disrobing then we cannot mention what he's doing. Nor did she notice when he crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. see previous thing I mentioned. In one swift move she found herself flat (cliche) on her back on the mattress with Rayne looking down at her.

His skin rubbed hers and she realized that he no longer wore the Levi's that he had worn earlier. The thought frightened her. This was no longer play time. It wasn't two teenagers just making out on the beach any longer.

The humor left her as she realized that he looked hungry. But it was a different hungry than she had ever seen before. He looked like he wanted to eat her. The thought made her blood heat heat again. in her veins.

Jaselyn sighed as his lips came down on hers. The gentle warmth eased most of her fear as he settled himself between her thighs. She was relieved that he had not taken her bikini bottoms off yet. She wanted to get used to the feeling of him against her this way. vary sentence structure so that "she" does not start many close sentences.

She gasped when he pushed his hips against her and she felt his hardness. Fear fear was mentioned once already. Is it fear or arousal? took over and her body tensed beneath him. She closed her eyes when he raised himself off of her and looked into her face. She imagined that he was disgusted with her and pressed her eyes shut tighter.

She felt his chest rumble with his laughter. She peeked at him from one eye to see his head tilted back and his lips peeled away from his perfect white teeth in obvious amusement. She felt small, didn't want to be the center of his joke. Not thinking twice she arched into him and ground herself against the solid part of him.

She almost laughed back at him as he growled at her before reaching down between them and adjusting himself so that he lay against her nether lips before he rocked against her. The laughter in her died instantly unnecessary adverb and the overuse of the word "as" as his cock rubbed her clit through the material. Her eyes widened in surprise as a current of arousal shot through her body.

Her stomach suddenly felt like it had butterflies in it. Her head was spinning. I'd change to active for crisper meaning... Her head spun. The more he rubbed "rub" was used above...is there some other word or action that you can use here to avoid repetition? against her, the stronger the sensations what sensations? Explain maybe? got. She began to move with him, timing her rhythm to offset his just enough to send shivers down his spine. here we head hopped. We cannot know what we do to him because we are not in his head. Her fear was forgotten.

Jaselyn's heart pounded as Rayne rolled to the side enough to slide both his hands down her sides and hook his thumbs into the sides of her bottoms. He slowly raised her legs to ease the barrier off of her.

She reminded herself that she had nothing to be afraid of, this was Rayne and he would never hurt her. When his hand went to his mouth and he spit on it, she looked at him in surprise. She almost asked him what he was doing, but before she had the chance, he had run his hand over his penis and just as quickly as he had stopped, he replaced himself between her legs and began rocking against her again.

The feeling was amazing. I'd change to active and change to a better adjective --> The sensation caused her breath to catch. With each jolt, her breasts bobbed and her cunt spasmed. ? She held back withheld? a moan as her toes started to tingle passive to active --> tingled. and she had the sudden urge to spread her legs apart even further. She cried out as a sudden rush of juice escaped seeped from? her and her body spasmed into a set of quivers like she had never had before. rippling waves of pleasure washed her into her first orgasm.

She smiled as Rayne stopped moving against her and raided her mouth with his tongue. She felt him swelling more against her as his finger waded through the wetness and eased into her. She met his eyes as he pushed inside her and pulled back out. She didn't think he would ever be able to fit his dick in there, even a finger almost hurt. I'm going to quit underlining the sentences that start with "She"

Jaselyn's hips moved of their own accord, less wordy? involuntarily? rising to meet his finger after he had coaxed her to relax a bit. She felt goose bumps rising active voice --> Goose bumps raised on her skin? over her skin as he feathered his way He feathered his way? Not sure if that makes sense? down her body with small lingering kisses until his mouth hovered over the small nub of her sex.

The wetness of his tongue she should already be wet against her clitoris nearly brought her off the mattress, but when he gently suckled her it? into his mouth, teasing her with his tongue and dipping into her with his finger at the same time, she couldn't hold back the moan that built in her throat. She cried his name as another orgasm rocked her body.

Caught in the throes of ecstasy [comma] she didn't imediately notice when he replaced one finger with two to bring her to yet another peak. Jaselyn raised her head and watched as his tongue darted out to catch the drops of her that escaped. you used this word escape earlier in the same type of instance. She knew he wasn't penetrating her very far, but she could feel him moving inside her, and she wanted more.

She reached down to him, wrapping her hands around his upper arms she tugged on him until he met her gaze. "Now."

He could not have looked happier as he rose above her. She wondered what he was doing as he grabbed a pillow and lifted her ass off the mattress. She watched as he put the pillow under her hips and felt an sudden onslaught of fear as she glanced between them to see him adjusting himself at her entrance. With gentle hands, he spread her legs open wider.

Anxiety began to eat at her when he laid himself over her and kissed her gently. "It's going to hurt. I can't stop that." He kissed her again, and she braced herself for the pain.

With one hard drive into her, Rayne broke through the barrier and she cried out. The pain was sharp, and sudden, and brought tears to her eyes. She took a deep breath, and tried to relax as he started moving slowly inside her, pulling out only a little, and pushing himself back in. She stared at his face, never breaking the eye contact he had made with her, as he set his pace.

Jaselyn smiled up at him as the pain wore off and was replaced by a fluttering in her muscles. The need to meet his thrusts was frantically beating at her until she obliged and lifted her hips to meet him. He smiled back at her and laid a tender kiss on the tip of her nose before he extricated himself from her.

She wiggled towards him, put her hands on his backside and tried to force him back into her, but he just grinned at her. Without any warning he lunged into her, filling and stretching her. She screamed his name as she orgasmed, her muscles tightening around him, pulling him deeper into the warm silkiness.

He didn't stop. She flew into oblivion as he controlled her body with his. She tilted her hips up to him, giving him access he hadn't expected and watched as his body trembled and his face transformed into one of pure satisfaction. She felt the warmth of his release as his body settled onto hers.

She buried her face in his neck, inhaling the scent of him. "Thank you." Her whisper was lost as he raised up on one arm and looked down at her. His eyes sparkled as he leaned down to kiss her, his lips hot against hers.

Jaselyn sighed as he pushed himself off her, and watched his muscles ripple beneath the tanned skin as he reached for his clothes. He grinned at her, "Now, you are mine." He put his shirt on, "You will always be mine."

Jaselyn blinked as the memory faded. Darkness had fallen around her. She was wet, her body tingling and alive. He had promised that she would always be his, but his promise had never been. Within days of losing her virginity to him, he had distanced himself from her. She had been angry when he wouldn't return her phone calls, and she had cried when he told her he couldn't be with her.

But she was still his. Now it was time that he realize it.



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