Erotica Harem

MY COMMENTS WILL BE ** RED:
MY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE BLUE
REPEATING WORDS WILL BE underlined and bolded

Title: "Invalid Item"  (Southern Cross)

Chapter: (Chapter: Prologue)

Author: seawhippet

Plot: Whoa, what a long chapter, Scott. Prologues are short. They give back history or an introduction. I believe this should be titled as Chapter 1. I might suggest breaking them up into two parts as well (i.e., Chapter 1(a) and Chapter 1(b)) just for reviewer/reviewing purposes. Plot has been established here--Hanna’s sister is taken by an evil man.

Style & Voice: Your voice and writing style are both very strong and unique, but you have to let go of your reliance on adverbs…you’re letting them do all the talking for you when they shouldn’t—your characters should be speaking and “showing” instead.. As well, I would suggest doing a search for your “was” and “had” words and alleviating as many as you can. Although some of them may not create a passive sentence, it still lends passivity to your voice. I’ve made some suggestions below.

Referencing: This chapter could be set in any time frame, Scott, so I’m a little hazy on this. Is it modern-day? I think this needs clarification here.

Scene/Setting: You have a unique flare for words, and for description—beautiful, but I found the detailing of the storm emphasized far too much. Because of your wonderful writing style, less is definitely more. The chapter length could be condensed by doing this. Yes, the storm is an amazing event, and you describe it wonderfully, but I think you go into overkill on it. Your writing so strong that you don’t have to go into every minute detail. F.Y.I., this chapter is fourteen pages in my Word program.

Characters: Hanna was wonderful, and I found myself drawn to her. Being in her point of view gave me insight into her as well. You described Mary very well for a secondary character, including the mysterious man. I have nothing to add here at all. Well done, Scott.

Grammar: Okay, I’m dubbing you the AVERB KING! Holy molely, Scott! There are approximately one hundred and forty-one (141) adverbs in this chapter, and far toooo many. Adverbs are important words to use, yes, but you’re relying on them to “tell” instead of “show”. I don’t think there’s a paragraph that doesn’t have one adverb in it. Some sentences have two or three. Try to use more facial expressions and mannerisms. I have bolded them for ease of reference.

I also noticed a trend the word “then”. There are twenty-one (21) instances. Try and weed a few of these out as well.

Colons: This punctuation is usually reserved for scientific / thesis papers, and not fiction. Like semicolons, try to avoid using them. Usually a comma or a period works just as well.

There is a lot of passive voice here, more than what is usually acceptable. This is another instance of “telling” instead of showing. If you don’t know what passive voice is, here is a good website that explains it far better than I can. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html
A couple of instances in a chapter is okay, but there’s more than that here. Some publisher’s guidelines will state “we want novels written in active voice”. Passive voice weakens your writing, and it also “tells” instead of “shows”. Do a search of your ‘was’ and ‘had’ words, and try to reword the sentences into something stronger (I’ve made some suggestions below). You want to immerse a reader into the action, and not “tell” them what is happening, but rather have them be a bug on the wall watching it themselves.

Just My Personal Opinion: Well, other than the adverbs and passive voice, this was an amazing read. You are definitely a talented writer, Scott. A little long-winded in your descriptions, but you paint beautiful pictures. As I mentioned above, reviews like this take a lot of time, especially one that is fourteen pages long. I would suggest cutting your chapters in half so reviewers will be able to spend time on providing reviews.

I’m curious to find out more of this mysterious man and about where he’s taken Mary. I also want to see Hanna’s powers. This was an incredible first chapter, Scott.

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Please remember that these are only my opinions.
Please use whatever you feel is right for you.


Timeless is the creature who is wise
Timeless is the prisoner in disguise

- Stevie Nicks
‘Beauty and the Beast’
******************************

Prologue
Separation
Bodie Island, North Carolina
November 1938
6:20 P.M.
Like a living thing with mindless purpose, the ferocious late-season hurricane churned the sea eighty miles southeast of Cape Hatteras and rolled relentlessly toward North Carolina’s Outer Banks.

Spawned off the west coast of Africa near the Cape Verde Islands more than a week ago, it was from the very start a textbook storm. After racing due west across the featureless Atlantic Ocean at an almost supernatural rate of speed, it slowed briefly near the British Virgin Islands where it became more organized and grew stronger from its rapacious feasting on the warm waters of the southern Caribbean.

The volatile tropical cyclone then quickly doubled in size and began to carve an appalling swathe of destruction across Puerto Rico and northern Cuba, after which it turned and set it sights on the North American continent.

And now, the first feeder bands were beginning to close on the defenseless barrier islands comprising the Outer Banks. As the howling gales moved across the treacherous waters known as Diamond Shoals, sporadic gusts lashed the tender sea oats edging the shifting dunes and sliced the foaming crowns from an endless succession of whitecaps marching toward shore. The unremitting wind filled the damp air with the dark song of nightmares.

In spite of the obvious danger, Hanna McDaniel rode south on horseback along the empty beach. Keeping to the hard-packed sand near the water’s edge, she was watching watched (stronger) the bruised and darkening sky when a brutal blast of wind tore across the beach and nearly pulled her from the saddle. She used one hand to shield her eyes from the abrasive sand and then choked up on the reins to bring her mare to a slow trot.

Hanna She leaned forward and yelled over the wind into the animal’s right ear. “You’re doing just fine, Nellie. Keep your head down and let’s take it slower.”

The gray appaloosa shook its head vigorously (Can you describe without using an adverb?) and continued on.

Barely eighteen with fair hair and pale green eyes, Hanna was blessed with features that normally radiated a quiet contentment. But on this day, (comma) her expression was born of bore (?) Sometimes less words can say the same thing, even stronger as well regret and a growing despair over the fact that her younger sister, Mary, had apparently run away.

She silently berated herself for ignoring her intuition, which may very well have prevented this predicament in the first place. She had all but encouraged this to happen. Not only was her sister now missing, but she would surely perish if caught outdoors when this devilish storm came ashore.

Hanna drew the hood of her heavy wool cloak tightly around her face and desperately scanned the beach for any sign that Mary might have passed this way. Despite the vantage point offered by the saddle, she found it difficult to see more than a half-mile in any direction. The swollen bellies of lowering clouds feebly reflected the sun’s fading light, which bathed the desolate landscape with a sickly jaundiced glow. Adverb Alert!

She was fighting fought (?) to hold back tears of frustration that stung almost as badly as the ocean spray when a jagged spear of blue-white lightning shot across the sky. Momentarily blinded by the flash, she yelped and buried her face in Nellie’s thick black mane as a monstrous clap of thunder shook the ground.

Unfazed by the din, the horse remained rock solid. The animal’s fearlessness was one of the many things that had endeared Nellie to Hanna. She raised the horse – a gift from her father – from the moment of its birth, and they were inseparable from that day forward. It was times like these that Hanna she felt (?) was most grateful for the creature’s companionship.

Under normal circumstances, Hanna she (There is only Hanna and the horse in the scene. The reader will identify who you’re referring to without using the character’s name all the time. Like repeating words, this lends a monotonous to your voice) would have been delighted by the approach of such adverse weather. With more than a passing interest in meteorology, she was captivated by the complex dynamics of violent storms. Growing up on the Outer Banks where the climate was exceptionally unpredictable gave her ample opportunity to observe countless nor’easters, hurricanes and wintertime blizzards. But this particular beast was far different from anything she encountered previously. Something about it one was beginning began (?) to frighten her.

Thanks to having been being (?) born a ‘seerer,’ single quotation goes before the punctuation. ‘seerer’, as her grandmother called it, Hanna actually began to sense the rough weather headed toward the Banks more than a week ago. It came to her as a playful half-thought, a vague premonition to which she gave little attention. At the time, the warm autumn sun shone down (?) was shining, the ocean breezes light and playful, and Hanna was in love. The threat of a little rain did not seemed terribly important or even interesting. She realized now her complacency carried a terrible price.

Hanna She should have followed the example of sea birds and the other shore creatures, all of which wisely sought shelter earlier in morning when the south wind – heavy with tropical moisture – swept in off the sea and the skies began to darken. She now knew this storm was going to be anything but ordinary. And the speed at which it was about to make landfall was proof proved that her intuition was spot on: (Usually thesis or scientific papers uses colons. Like semicolons, use them sparingly, if at all) it would be a bad blow. With Mary missing, Hanna was beginning to fear the worse.

There had been no time to alert anyone else of the situation when she discovered Mary’s foolhardy actions. Her mother and two older brothers were in Nags Head on a supply errand and would not return until much later. Hanna found herself alone at the family’s estate on Roanoke Island when things very quickly began to spiral out of control. She accepted the fact that there was no one to rely on but herself. Her instincts told her that the full brunt of the storm would most likely arrive before nightfall. Because of this, there was still a chance Mary might be found. (passive voice) Hanna vowed she would die trying if that’s what it took.

As if in response to her thoughts of defiance, another violent gust of cold, wind-driven rain raced in off the ocean. Heavy droplets tasting of salt stung her face and arms: (period) The hurricane was picking up massive amounts of seawater as it roared westward.

From her understanding of a storm’s behavior, Hanna knew she was experiencing one of many squalls that would precede the main event. She also knew that once the rain began in earnest, what little warmth her body retained would quickly drain away. She would most likely catch her death, but by this point her own welfare was of little concern.

A glance to the left revealed dark threatening swells of mountainous surf moving toward the shore. The waves were building built (?) in the shallows, and those that reached land assaulted the sand with astonishing fury. The sea seemed hell-bent on ripping large sections of the beach apart and carelessly tossing them into the air. As ludicrous as it sounded, this storm felt downright malevolent. The thought caused Hanna’s skin to crawl.

Then, (comma) like a welcome sentinel, the tall black-and-white stripes of the Bodie Island lighthouse materialized out of the blowing mist. Although still nearly a mile further down the beach, the mere sight of the Bodie light brought Hanna a measure of comfort. The yellow arc of the light’s strong lamp pushed out across the waves toward the approaching storm, calling to any vessel foolish enough to be caught unawares.

Set back a good distance from the waterline, the Bodie light was one of six such structures built to aid mariners plying the area’s often-perilous seas. Hanna had always felt an affinity for the Banks’ lights, silently fearing for them when strong winds such as these threatened the coast. She offered a silent prayer that they would all still be standing come morning.

Hanna’s Her plan was hastily contrived and simple: scour the beach as far as Bodie and then consult the lighthouse keepers to see if Mary had passed this way. If the weather deteriorated further, or it was too dark to venture farther south, she would ride out the storm within the safety of the keeper’s quarters.

Hanna She prayed her sister had come to her senses and sought shelter with the old couple that lived in the house at the base of the tower. Perhaps Mary was there even now, drying her boots on the hearth and sharing a cup of hot tea with the keeper’s wife.

The image renewed Hanna’s determination, and with a firm nudge of the stirrups, (comma) she urged Nellie forward. They must get a move on or the night would catch them before the storm did.

Despite her best effort to concentrate, Hanna’s her mind began to replay the chain of events that led to this dreadful dilemma.

It all began with the arrival of Mary’s mysterious new acquaintance. Strangely secretive about him from the start, she managed to evade all but the most vague of Hanna’s questions.

As was her nature, Hanna was became (?) immediately suspicious. But Mary pleaded that knowledge of this man be kept (passive) from the family. Begrudgingly, Hanna agreed for one simple reason: Mary’s debilitating depression over their father’s death the previous summer seemed to have lessened tenfold since Mary her sister (?) first mentioned the stranger.

Hanna fully intended to keep that promise ... until she laid eyes on the man.

It happened last night when Mary secretly (Just something to think about when using adverbs. Here you have the word “crept”. This is indeed a strong verb, right? So, does it not also give the image of “secretly” creeping away? To me, this adverb is not needed. Check some them that I’ve bolded and ask this same question) crept away after dinner. Concerned as any sister would be, Hanna quietly trailed Mary along the sinuous brick path through the forest and out to the family’s secluded gazebo overlooking the Sound. Hanna She intended to learn whatever she could about this man from afar, and once satisfied of Mary’s safety, she would be on her stealthy way.

As it turned, out she got far more than she bargained for.

Concealed behind the trunk of a towering cypress, Hanna strained to listen over the incessant drone of cicadas. The distance was too great to overhear the actual conversation, but as the flickering glow of Mary’s lantern brought the stranger’s face into full view, Hanna clearly saw what had so entranced her sister: he was a handsome young devil. With well-groomed dark hair and intelligent blue-gray eyes, his proper dress and reserved demeanor presented the appearance of a well-bred Southern gentleman.

Hanna was not fooled (passive) for an instant.
Why would this be separated? I would suggest keeping this together.
She knew this charismatic stranger was not at all as he appeared to be. It took very little psychic probing on her part before she received the impression of a deep intellect and an emphatic will. His charming behavior and outward appearance worked well to cloak multiple layers of hidden intention. Of this, (comma) Hanna was convinced.

Hanna’s Her perceptions were confirmed seconds later when she felt one of her visions coming on. Before she had a chance to steel herself against the inevitable flood of images, she received the disturbing impression of her sister recklessly charming a cunning cobra that could easily strike with fatal accuracy. An instant later, the serpent’s hooded head was replaced with that of the stranger but its deadly fangs remained, needle-sharp and tipped with glittering pearls of toxic venom. The haunting vision was presented itself with such stunning clarity, and it had quite literally taken Hanna’s breath away. Just a suggestion for stronger sentence structure

Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she bit her lower lip to keep from crying out and revealing her presence. Only the sweet ring of her little sister’s laughter dampened the sudden terror that gripped Hanna’s heart.

She opened her eyes to see Mary sheepishly giggling behind her hand at something her new friend said. It was evident to Hanna that Mary was oblivious to the danger right before her.

The entire experience had frightened and thoroughly confused Hanna. She was unsure what to make of it and wondered if perhaps her imagination was working overtime. Determined to examine this turn of events from every angle before acting, she took the long route back to the main house. This gave her time to digest and analyze what she had seen, or what she thought she had seen. Plus, she needed to concoct an excuse for spying once she confronted Mary. It ultimately proved to be a moot point as her sister was in her room apparently asleep behind closed doors when Hanna returned home.

After a long night of troubled rest and forgotten nightmares, Hanna greeted the cloudy morning convinced that her need to protect Mary probably influenced her perception of the man.

If only she had not been so preoccupied with her own suitor, (comma) she might have used better judgment.

Damn, she scolded herself, why did I scoff when Mary confessed of finding a way out of our ‘boring coastal existence’?

A way out? (Again, I don’t know why these would be separated. I would suggest keeping it together) Though typically dramatic as Mary tended to be, that seemed such an odd expression.

Hanna should have been equally suspicious when Mary announced she would be spending the weekend with her classmate, Celia Stuart, (commas) and her family on Roanoke’s south side. Now that she thought about it, Mary and Celia had never really been very good friends at all. And then, it all came together this very evening when Hanna found the note tucked beneath her own pillow. In a few simple sentences Mary professed her unconditional love for the family, but said that she had to take this chance, that “adventure of dizzying proportion await awaited / awaits (?) me.”

He’s waiting for me, Hanna, and I simply cannot refuse him. If this was also written in the note, this should stay with the paragraph above and not on its own

That final line of Mary’s farewell chilled Hanna completely. Shaken by a suffocating sense of dread, she was at first (This reads so much smoother without this) unsure what to do. She finally realized that she had but one hope: (colons…really try to avoid using them, Scott) her gifts. The innate psychic abilities she was born with gave her the capacity, in some instances, to see and know certain things that eluded most people. She prayed these talents wouldn’t fail her when she needed them most.

Standing quietly in her room, she took the stationery on which Mary scrawled her goodbye and focused all her concentration on the paper. Silently, she willed something – anything – to come to her, to show her the whereabouts her sister.

While the wind moaned through the eaves and rattled a loose shutter on one of the sea-facing windows, Hanna waited. After several protracted moments, she was rewarded passive with the hazy impression of Mary standing on a secluded section of beach. And then, a few seconds later, she saw in her mind’s eye the unmistakable spear of the Bodie Island light.

She said a silent prayer of gratitude and then tried to reason why they had chosen to meet at such a remote location. It made no logical sense; there was nowhere for them to go other than out to sea. But this unfolding saga was laced (passive) Laced within this unfolding saga were many contradictions and riddles. (stronger – active voice) with many contradictions and riddles. She would have to figure it out as she went along.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Hanna donned her riding boots and cloak and set off in search of her sister.

She was forced to take extra caution on her way to Bodie. Thanks to the increasing winds, the trails and roadways were already littered with loose branches and wet leaves. Nellie was sure-footed, but a downed tree limb in the shadows could easily spell disaster. The underlined portions above are passive. Can you change this the sentences to active?

By the time she reached the shore, the eastern horizon was already being consumed by the darkness of the approaching hurricane. It was a monstrous sight, this roiling storm, its ominous mass accentuated by internal flashes of lightning and muted thunder.

The beach was completely deserted (passive) in both directions, and Hanna knew that no ship could have plied the water beyond the breakers. Even if a vessel were waiting offshore to provide escape for her sister and her companion, it would still be visible as it fought its way from the coast. Furthermore, with seas already cresting at eight to ten feet, it would be impossible to launch a tender. [keep together] No, there must be another explanation.

Suddenly, Hanna she saw something tumbling crazily across the sand. She swung her legs out of the saddle and dropped to the ground. Straining against another forceful wind gust, she sprinted forward and dove for the object.

The instant her hand closed around it, (comma) she recognized her sister’s blue beret. She had given it to Mary as a sixteenth birthday gift just last month. The soft fabric was drenched and coated with coarse sand and bits of shell, but Hanna finally held physical proof that her instincts were correct: (period) Mary did come to this remote stretch of Bodie. Perhaps there was still hope.

Hanna She slipped the hat into the pocket of her cloak and deftly climbed back into the saddle. It was getting more difficult to see by the second, (comma) and the wind speed was increasing dramatically. She had not a moment to waste.

Just as she was about to snap the reins to get Nellie moving again, her attention was drawn to movement in the darkness less than twenty yards further down the beach. A faint glowing orb was floating, floated, (stronger) But “floated” and “bobbed” mean basically the same thing, perhaps choose one or the other, but not both. bobbing across the sand toward the waterline.

Nellie whinnied nervously and began to tremble.

“I see it, girl,” Hanna yelled over the wind.

The horse was not easily spooked, (passive) so Hanna instantly became hyper-aware of her surroundings. She stroked her frightened mare’s strong neck in an effort to calm her, (comma) and struggled to make sense of what she saw. (stronger) was seeing.

Suddenly, a brilliant bolt of lightning ripped across the sky, perfectly illuminating two dark figures rushing across the beach. Leaning into the wind, they appeared to be moving deliberately toward the surf. Before Hanna could react, an earsplitting explosion of thunder shook the ground just as a second, brighter flash flooded the beach with silver light. Hanna immediately recognized the silhouette of her sister. And the tall, (comma) lanky figure clutching Mary’s upper arm confirmed, without question, that he was the stranger Hanna saw last night in the gazebo.

“Mary!” Hanna she screamed with all her might. She desperately hoped her voice carried over the storm.

It did. Mary stopped and raised her lantern (comma) peering (?) and peered up the beach. Roughly, (This is an unnecessary adverb) she brushed strands of soaking hair away from her face. [keep together] Recognition dawned in Mary’s expression.

And then, like the flick of an adder’s tongue the man’s head snapped around. He could obviously (another unnecessary adverb) see Hanna just as well.

A split second later, (comma) Nellie became a wild thing. As if stung by the man’s very stare, the horse reared up on her hind legs and trumpeted a desperate warning. Hanna was nearly thrown out (passive) of the saddle as she fought to regain control. [keep together] – this is still part of the same scene and character. “Nellie, stop it!” She yanked hard on the reins, but to no avail. The horse sensed danger and no amount of yelling or force was going to would (?) change her mind. With her ears laid flat and nostrils flaring, the frightened creature wanted nothing more than to be away.

Hanna, too, sensed the menace, (comma) but she had no choice. She would not turn away from Mary. She released the reins, (comma) and slid from the saddle and hit the ground running.

Hanna She had covered no more than ten feet when she was violently knocked backwards onto the beach. As if she had charged headlong into a solid glass wall, she was stopped cold. The impact completely stunned her, shocking her system to the point where she very nearly lost consciousness. She could not scream; the breath was torn (passive) from her lungs.

As she lay there gasping, trying to force her eyes to open and make some sense of what just happened, she felt a warm liquid pouring across her lips. Blood. Her blood. She tasted the saltiness and would have panicked were it not for the chilling rain coming down in drenching diagonal sheets. Like swarms of angry hornets, the cold rain pummeled her with colossal force.

The abrupt chill wrenched Hanna from her daze as effectively as an open-handed slap. So copious was the deluge that drowning became a very real possibility if she did not react at once.

Unable to rise to her feet, she did manage to roll onto her stomach. She then maneuvered around crab-like until she faced the direction in which she had been running. Using every ounce of her remaining strength, (comma) she lifted her head and looked across the beach.

In the glow emanating from the raised lantern, Hanna saw Mary’s wide and wounded eyes. She was looking looked directly at Hanna, and saw her crying. (?) (stronger visual) she was crying. A fresh bruise bloomed violet beneath her left eye and she was injured – two fresh bloody scratches on her throat just below the jaw line.

“You bastard,” Hanna wheezed. (This is an incorrect dialogue tag. Hanna can “wheeze” words out, but she cannot wheeze and talk at the same time. A period must end the tag or insert “wheezed out”.) “I swear to God you will pay you for this.”

Hanna She watched helplessly as Mary began to thrash and to struggle. Against what? The stranger’s hold? But it was obvious her younger sister was no match for her captor.

Angered at this defiance, the man snarled like a rabid dog and roughly pulled Mary to him. He seized her head in his hands, slipping his fingers back through her wet hair and forced her to look up at him. Peering squarely into her eyes, he began to speak to her.

As the latest squall ended and the wind abated somewhat, so did Mary’s resistance. Hanna could not hear the words, but whatever the man was saying said obviously worked. Mary was began yielding to him. They both seemed to have forgotten Hanna altogether.

Hanna’s forehead ached, (comma) fiercely and her torn lip was stinging stung from her collision with the invisible force, but she reached out with her intuition in an attempt to brush Mary’s mind. At first, (comma) she was rewarded with an incomprehensible soup of thought fragments, all of which were wrapped in severe emotional turmoil that was like touching a hot stove. So extreme was Mary’s current state of mind that Hanna was instantly forced to stop her probing and pull back.

But before withdrawing – just as Mary began to shake her head emphatically – Hanna grasped the gist of what was happening: (period) If Mary did not immediately comply with the man’s wishes, he would slaughter Hanna first and then pick off the remaining family members one by one. And he would make Mary watch. (?) Mary would be made to watch. (passive)

Satisfied his point had been made, the man released Mary. He turned to Hanna and smiled. The smug son of a bitch smirked like a playground bully accustomed to getting his way.

With tears streaming down her flushed cheeks, Mary looked toward her sister and mouthed the words “Please forgive me.”

Then, almost lovingly, the stranger took Mary by her shoulders and turned her around to face the sea. (stronger) so that she faced the sea. With an expression of absolute heartbreaking sorrow, she looked once more at Hanna. She forced a sad smile and then handed the lantern to the man, who remained just behind her, watching expectantly.

Once more, Mary faced the sea. She raised her hands – palms out, fingers splayed – as if in supplication to the storm that was nearly upon them. Turning her head slowly from one side to the other, she appeared to be listening listen (stronger) for something, searching the space before her. She took several steps forward, (comma) and then shook her head slowly. She looked to her left and began to walk north a few paces, which was bringing herself closer to Hanna. But then she abruptly stopped and turned again toward the sea. [keep together] She was less than ten feet from the crashing surf when she began to nod.

Hanna did not understand was happening, (comma) but for some reason she was able to see Mary and her captor far more easily than was possible a moment earlier. Though full darkness had arrived, the area directly around the pair seemed to shimmer with a pale blue luminosity. Even more strangely, stranger (?) this glowing miasma seemed impervious to the wind. Hanna She had the distinct feeling that it was electrical in nature. She even caught the unmistakable sharp scent of ozone.

She then became of something else (remove colon) buried within the incessant roar of the wind and crashing waves, was a low-frequency hum that was felt in the bones rather than heard. As the volume of the sound slowly increased, so did the iridescent glow surrounding Mary and the man. To Hanna, it was like looking at her sister through a mirage over the beach on a hot summer day.

Hanna was opened-minded about lot of things, but she could hardly believe what she was seeing.

It was accepted, (passive) within the family, that many of the McDaniels possessed atypical talents and psychic abilities of varying degrees, but this was completely unheard of.

Bathed in the increasing azure radiance, Hanna she saw that Mary’s eyes were closed, (passive) as if she were deep in meditation. The man seemed transfixed by what was happening, and Hanna recognized his distraction as her chance to act.

Just as she got to her feet, the low machine-like hum changed. The steady cycling turned into a warbling pitch that made Hanna’s scalp crawl and caused her skin to tingle. The very air became charged (passive) with a palpable energy that seemed to crackle and pop.

Though Hanna was certain this thing was inherently unstable and probably dangerous, she felt utterly energized. And with this burst of newfound vitality, she was about to make her move when the lightning strikes began.

As if the wind and driving rain were not enough to deal with, the phenomenon Mary had located was now acting as some preternatural lightning rod. At first, (comma) the strikes seemed random, and Hanna assumed the lightning was simply the result of the approaching hurricane, but it became obvious very quickly that the bolts were actually attracted to the glowing shimmer hovering around Mary. [keep together] Death from electrocution became a very real possibility.

Like a warning shot from heaven, a frighteningly large spear of white fire slammed into the ground less than ten feet further down the beach. Tons of scorched sand and pulverized shell flew high into the air, leaving a depression more than twenty feet deep.

Though the danger was real, Mary was completely oblivious of her surroundings. With her eyes still closed, she lowered her arms and took another confident step forward.

Hanna realized the man was spellbound – he was obviously waiting for something more to happen – so she struggled fully to her feet. She also realized that with each lightning strike, the area in space directly before Mary was becoming became (stronger) more defined, more focused.

Something was began (stronger) forming.

Then, Bam-Bam-Bam! Three fiery bolts jabbed the space barely a yard in front of Mary. But instead of tearing the beach apart, the lightning was absorbed (passive voice) by what now appeared to be a hole in the storm. Roughly as large as a barn door, the opening hung there in the darkness, its blurred edges throbbing with veins of crackling blue energy.

Hanna was astonished (passive) felt (?) by the phenomenon. She took a few tentative steps forward, and from this new perspective, (comma) she could see rain, (comma) and sand and slivers of driftwood being drawn (passive) into the area of definition.

And then she saw something else through the impossible opening, something that took her breath away: (comma) a glimpse of what appeared to be moonlight shimmering on a gleaming whiteness. [keep together] Snow? How could it be?

Although thoroughly captivated by this miracle, Hanna knew that any further examination would have to wait. Her sister was in trouble, (comma) and she was certain that this was her only chance to save her.

As she was about to take another step forward, a staccato round of lightning flashed with extraordinary brightness and danced across the water. The thundering cannonade that followed was sounded (?) deafening.

Realizing Hanna was on the move, the man suddenly turned and nailed her with a malicious gaze. She felt him lash out with his thoughts, and they turned out to be every bit as potent as the lightning itself. There was no time to throw up a mental shield and she nearly almost (?) lost consciousness when her mind was ensnarled (passive) became ensnarled (?) and then roughly invaded.

Brushing a person’s thoughts was one thing, but this was a violation so intimate, Hann was sickened by the force of the intrusion. (?) so consummately cruel that Hanna was sickened (passive) by the force of the intrusion. Nauseated, she fell to her knees.

As she struggled to draw a ragged breath, she realized with horror that the man was standing stood (stronger) directly before her! [keep together] Gasping, she hoarsely asked, “How?”

She screamed when he reached down and jerked her roughly to her feet. He took her by the backs of her arms and pulled her so close to himself that she was on the brink of hysteria.

And then everything changed.

Like a dream fragmenting upon waking, her fear simply dissolved. She found herself once again agreeing that Mary had been quite accurate in her description; this man was bewitching. The longer he held her gaze with those marvelous blue-gray eyes, the calmer she became. Despite whatever had transpired between them earlier, Hanna possessed absolutely no desire to turn away from a face that radiated nothing worse than boyish mischief. She admired the high, unlined forehead and the thick dark brown hair fluttering in the wind. There was a profound beauty in the drops of glittering moisture trapped in his impossibly long lashes. She was about to express this when his lips stretched into a playful grin.

He gently cupped her face with his hands and slipped his long slender fingers behind her ears and into her hair. Just as he had done to Mary, he drew Hanna toward himself and held her face mere inches from his own.

The fury of the storm disappeared, (stronger) (?) was gone, the noise dreamy and distant. Hanna She closed her eyes for an instant as his warm breath touched her cheek. Lightly, his lips traced a slow path down to her throat as if to plant a sweet kiss there. (?) (stronger) he was about to plant a sweet kiss there. Secretly, (Two back-to-back sentences beginning with adverbs should be avoided) she wanted it. Her legs grew weak, (comma) and she leaned against him.

And then he was He began (?) whispering. Like a familiar melody, his words flowed, a gentle autumn breeze sighing through pine boughs in a peaceful forest. His voice seemed to exist both inside her mind as well near her ear. [keep together] The sound was exquisite; (comma) but the content was not.

“Do not attempt to follow us, Hanna. You shall forget your sister ... She is mine, now ... my instrument ... mine forever...” (There should be no spaces before or after your ellipsis)

The faux sense of tranquility was suddenly shattered, instantly replaced by dark echoing laughter. The miserable, (comma) joyless sound conjured images of shadowy caves, of cold winter wind fluting through the hollow eyes of a frozen skull.

Mine forever.

For as long as Hanna drew breath, (comma) she would never forget the profound finality of those haunting words. [keep together] She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the resonance of that cruel voice when she felt the hateful creature disengage his grip on her mind.

As if she had been dropped back into the maelstrom, she opened her eyes and found the storm once again furiously raging around her. Another squall had come ashore, and the freezing rain and wind assaulted her painfully. Isn’t “assault” a strong enough verb to use instead of sticking it with an adverb as well?

Trying her best to shake the vile effect of what amounted to a brutal psychological rape, Hanna saw the man once again standing with his hands on Mary’s shoulders.

How had he covered the distance so quickly?

Despite her shock, Hanna she had the presence of mind to once more look into the strange opening. She was right; it was snow she saw earlier. Clearly discernible was the descending slope of a steep mountain peppered with dense clusters of monstrous evergreens. The glacial whiteness of the deep drifts shimmered in the pale light of a winter moon. She found the vista both exceedingly beautiful and intolerably sad.

Hanna then experienced the strongest premonition of her entire life. She knew that Mary was about to be ripped (passive) from this world, and her life forever. [keep together] “No!” Hanna she screamed.

The sound of Hanna’s distraught voice evidently broke through Mary’s intense concentration. With eyes red and brimming with tears, she turned to look directly at Hanna. No words were necessary; they both knew this was goodbye.

The man smiled venomously, and with one swift move he violently shoved Mary forward, propelling her directly into the phenomenon. As if in the grip of some radiant whirlpool, Mary’s form was drawn in, (Passive) quickly absorbed like water taken in by an arid sponge. From deep within the opening there came a soundless but dazzling cobalt flash and she was gone.

Hanna locked eyes once more with the man. He grinned at her, and with an exaggerated wink, (comma) he jumped forward into the phenomenon. There was another flash of midnight blue and he vanished.

With surprising rapidity, the doorway – Hanna could think of nothing else to call it – began to dim, becoming less defined by the second. At this rate, she reasoned, it would melt back into nothingness within seconds.

With supreme effort, (comma) she got to her feet. Finally convincing her legs to obey, she rushed forward. As she covered the twenty paces across the beach, she saw the miracle was quickly diminishing to the point of vaporous transparency. The snow and trees were fading faded (stronger) like the tendrils of a forgotten dream.

Once she reached the spot, she knew it was too late.

She retrieved Mary’s abandoned lantern from the sand and held it high. The light’s muted glow illuminated two sets of footprints in the wet sand – one large, one small – both ending in the exact same place. It was as if they had stepped right off the planet.

Hanna stood there, struggling to make sense of what just happened, when a powerful wave rushed out of the darkness. The surging water crashed and foamed around her knees before retreating back into the sea. When lightning once more flashed across the night sky, the brilliance revealed nothing more than empty beach and angry ocean.

The hurricane was finally coming came (stronger) ashore, and it was effectively wiping away all evidence of the dreadful event that had just claimed her sister.

Clutching Mary’s blue beret tightly against her chest, Hanna turned to face the sea, to meet the storm head-on. The cold rain came down in thick torrential sheets, the unforgiving wind rocked her, and she wept.

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