Erotica Harem

Chapter Two
The Secret
Surroundings:
Five Senses: Sound, okay. Smelling? Tactile? Sight is okay. Taste?
The plot is straight forward and easy to follow.
Great job! I enjoyed it. Below are a few things you may or may not want to look at.
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1. In the morning, Charlene woke up as she heard voices downstairs. incorrect useage of “as.” --> Better--> In the morning the voices downstairs woke her.
2.After a while, she suckled on her thumb and sat on the bed. We already know she was sitting on the bed at the time you tell us this. We can surmise it happened by your previous sentences so it is unnecessary.
3.Charlene’s dreadful thoughts were interrupted by Angie’s loud voice drifting up from downstairs. instead of telling us she had dreadful thoughts, show us them.
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skip 4

5. know she’s 10 years old I always spell out the number, unless it is too long.
6. She was covered in blood! Show us, don’t tell us what she sees. Something like, Red, sticky liquid smeared her cheeks and hands.
7. Charlene’s attention focused toward the two girls in the kitchen. Charlene walked toward the table. ”toward” is repetitive.
8. She always sits next to me, got it. --> She always sits next to me, got it? Can you add something to how her voice sounded or her facial expression as she says it?
9. “Gee, couldn’t you be anymore gentler, you ape. {question mark}
10.“That’s enough Angie. Go to your seat while I fix you some breakfast. You should all get ready for school before the bus gets here.” Mother said. Here you need to paint a better picture of Mother. Perhaps you would want to show her facial expression or her gesture. Perhaps her voice is harsh. Give us some things to paint a picture to see what is in your mind.
11. “Do you want to go up with me?” Mooky asked Charlene. Mooky turned her attention to Charlene and said in a lowered voice, “Do you want to go up with me?”
12. “Can’t you knock?! one or the other {! or ?} but not both...Your mother never told you it’s not polite to invade someone’s privacy?” Mooky said. ”Can’t you knock? You mother told you it’s not polite to invade someone’s privacy?” Mooky asked.
13. Not now. You have to be more careful.” Mother said. She sounded worried. instead of telling she’s worried....show us....what is she doing that causes you to think she’s worried. Does her hand tremble, does she run her tongue over her lips? Something along those lines something that shows us worry.....
14. Charlene strained her ear hoping to hear more --> How does someone strain their ear? Can you clarify this?
15. Mooky insisted on doing her hair. --> Instead of telling us she insisted....show us what she did and said.
16. Charlene blushed and looked away. Show us as in paint a picture of Charlene blushing... for example.....her cheeks changed to a rosy shade of pink.

17. I would find a way to use less "saids" and "asked"
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