Erotica Harem

Title: Fallen Angels

Chapter: One

Author: Ana


Plot:
Ten-year-old Charlene Manthis witnessed her father murdering her mother and is brought to a special foster home in the aftermath. There she not only meets her new "Mother",
but also her new "sisters" Angie, Jay and Mooky.


Setting:
I like the way you unfold the setting by letting the three girls lead Charlene through the house. You let the reader see everything through her eyes. This gives your descriptions a vivid touch.


Characterers:
It made my heart ache to imagine what Charlene was confronted with at home. She reacts with a certain emotional numbness at first that slowly gives way to the pain of reliving what has happened and realizing that she'll never see her mother again. Charlene blames herself, because she thinks, if she hadn't asked her mother for her stuffed puppy she'd still be alive. That's a normal reaction not only to a traumatic event, but also for children in general, because they're still rather self-centered and easily think, everything bad is their fault. They don't know better at the young age. Hm, I digress...

Simultaneously with her shock Charlene is also oversensitive - she senses exactly how the passengers of the Squad Car are feeling toward her: she knows that Miss Janine wants to get rid of her and not help her and reacts that way towards her. The police officers seem to be experienced with children what becomes visible the way they talk to Charlene and she reacts to it.

When Charlene is astonished about such for us natural things like barns or taking a bath this makes even greater impact because you show what Charlene has experienced instead. You hinted at a childhood lived in fear, hidden under the bed, always hearing the parents fight. Also Charlene was literally held hostage in her own home, never saw a school, although she's already ten.

She's frightened when she meets the other girls and Mother, because this new life is something still strange and therefore potentially dangerous. Besides she was never under so much "audience" - the in her eyes many people scare her off even more, because she doesn't knows what's expected from her or how to react. Therefore she reacts the only way she knows: defensive and hideous, what you showed very good when she hides under the bed because the unfamiliar noises of the strange house frighten her.

She opens up quite quickly however when she senses that at least Mooky and Angie want to help her getting used to the daily routine and even tells little fragments of her former life in order to get help from them. She's embarassed and frightned by Jay.



Mother seems to be a kind-hearted person who seems to be worried about Charlene and willing to help her with getting over the loss of her family as good as she can. Mother has some rules in the House which she tell Charlene in a friendly voice.


Jay is... weird. She seems to enjoy it to bully smaller children in general and Charlene in particular - somehow she seems to sense that Charlene's particularly susceptible for humiliation, since she's never learned to defend herself against it and takes advantage of it.


Mooky is a kind-hearted, friendly and open girl. She knows who she is and who not and therefore can deal with the teasings of Angie and Jay. She seems to worry about Charlene and intuitively wants to help her. Instead of Jay she isn't judgmental - she registers Charlene's odd behavior, but doesn't question it and most of all doesn't use it against Charlene in order to hurt her like Jay. She also has something motherly.


Angie is clearly the chef. She can tell the others what to do or when to stop with something.
With her introduction she silently makes it clear to Charlene that she's now under her rule,
but simultaneously shows her tender side when being confronted with Charlene's fear and uncertainty. It was a loving and attentive action of her to show Charlene how to bath. She doesn't understand why yet, but knows this - for her - natural action is something unique and totally new to Charlene and acts like that to not increase her negative feelings.



Grammar: Nothing obvious.


General opinion:
Quite some time went by since I last read "Fallen Angels", but it seemed as if I never stopped. Although generally knowing the content, it still shocked me. You only hinted at the events, but that was enough to fuel my imagination.

Also I noticed something I already noticed during reading it for the first time. The language of the chapter read quite simple - I thought because of grammatically difficulties and such stuff from your side (don't be pissed now .

Now I got it however: although you stayed in the third person the chapter was definitely told from Charlene's Point of View - therefore the "simple" language, I assume. You succeeded... reading the chapter with this knowledge felt even more real than the first time.




"The unnamed should not be taken for the nonexistent."

Catherine A. MacKinnon


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