Erotica Harem

Hi Max/Bill. Here are some thoughts on Mists of His Mind, Chapter 12, grudgingly presented in the official format:


Setting

More than adequate. I suspect that most readers will think it's perfect. Setting is less important to me, so I sometimes found it excessive. I suspect that I'm in the minority.


Characters

I know them very well.


Referencing

No conflicts. It's all clear.


Plot

We finally have one! See my comments in the summary.


Grammar

You are missing numerous commas, mainly of the "Jack filled the bucket, and Jill carried it up the hill" variety.
We've been through this before, so I didn't point out any of them.
Otherwise the grammar is flawless.


Line by line


>> By mid-morning the heat and humidity pressed down on Jim. Sweat drenched his brow and burned his eyes. <<
Good opening description

>> His arms danced with his finishing tool <<
THE finishing tool would get rid of one of the many HIS that I've seen so far

>> pulled it hand over hand back to the edge. <<
hand-over-hand

>> Done, he took two steps to the left and started again. <<
Here's a tough one for you to check on (I'm too lazy): For some reason, based on prior descriptions of the process, I had it in my head that they were working left-to-right.
There's a high probability that I invented that myself, so I'm maybe worrying you for no good cause.
Oh... See my later comment on this issue.

>> He grew up not far from my spread out Bryerton's way <<
Aha! Interesting!

>> Bud's a lazy good for nothin'. <<
good-for-nothin

>> But he's working for the County now. He told me so. On a survey crew <<
Nice hook. The intrigue and tension is finally picking up, and the story is grabbing my interest far more than it did when it was all about emotions.

>> He strode away to his side of the road, bouncing across the trellis. <<
Oh, I see. Maybe Jim worked the other side of the road at first.


>> He saw that there were two sets of keys snagged together <<
I would eliminate HE SAW THAT as clutter.


>> My love. How strange to think that about another man. <<
Strange? He has this much residual straightness in his psyche?

>> "You don't have permission to search his room. Do you have a warrant?" <<
Good! I was hoping he'd say that.

>> Jim watched enough Law and Order to know about search warrants. <<
This is the author jumping in with a fact.

>> Running Fox and Eldred at Casa Diablo, July 4, 1948. <<
Excellent ending hook!


SUMMARY:

At last this story has caught my full attention! You had several excellent hooks in it that tell me the plot is thickening.
My reading taste has never been toward emotional things and characters' internal conflicts. I like action and tension, and I'm finally getting it now. Great!

Tim

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