Erotica Harem

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Author oregonboi
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
           
Review posted in

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #619464 by Not Available.

Review posted in

Mainstream Novel Workshop Forum  (18+) A forum for mainstream novel writers. (Members MUST be 18 +) #874541 by Carol St.Ann is 19 🎂

           

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.
           
Plot
Gavin returns to his apartment from the dinner with Claudia and Trey. He chats with his father on the telephone and exchanges emails with Claudia. There's a subtext to the conversation with his father that suggests his secret about being bisexual won't surprise his parent. There's also a hanging conversation with Claudia about "who and what she is."

The second scene involves Gavin's arrival at a manufacturing plant to give an inspirational workshop. There's a rather improbable conversation with the security guard, before this segment of the chapter ends.

           
Style and Voice
Third person limited in Gavin's head. Perfect.

           
Referencing
All consistent, as nearly as I can tell.

           
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

           
Characters
Gavin is consistent; I enjoyed the banter with his father. They clearly care for each other a great deal. I also liked the fact that Gavin treated the security guard like a real person, and that the guard opened up to him. Some of the things guard said seemed a bit improbable to me, but this was a nice bit of characterization for Gavin.

           
Grammar

Comma Splices.
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more examples in the line-by-line comments below.

           
Just my personal opinion
David, as I said above, I really liked that Gavin treated the security guard like a person and stopped to chat with him. This shows him to be a genuinely nice guy who is interested in people. I think you could tone down some of the things the security guard said, though. It's not that I don't think the CEO would have talked to him, or given him bonuses for good ideas. *I* do those kinds of things, except that state employees can't get bonuses. But I thought the conversation was a little "telly." For example, you might have some newly hired VP flash by and not even respond to Cole's greeting, or, worse, berate him for some minor infraction (maybe he's got coffee on his desk). That let's Cole comment on how that wouldn't have happened before poor Mr. Harris passed on. You might have him wince during the son's phone call--maybe Gavin can even hear Harris yelling at him on the phone. I'd try to figure out ways to show the information that Cole conveys, and to segue to the parts of it that he must tell. Another point: i don't think we need all the background on old Mr. Harris's death. We just need to know he died unexpectedly, right?

So...my major suggestion here is to try to find ways to make the conversation with Cole more natural, showing rather than telling, and less of an info-dump in dialog.

           
Line Edits
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
           
“Hello, dad, how are you?”My Comment: Everything here shows that this is Gavin speaking, but I still had to stop and think for a second. You might add a small tag--perhaps he smiles as he recognizes his father's number.

“Ah, I see, you don’t care about me, you want me to score a copy of the DVD for you, huh?My Comment: comma splice.

I’m really doing fine. I just came back from dinner at that officer’s home. He lives with another officer. My Comment: officer repeats.

It sounds like you made an assumption, daddy.” His voice pitched upward.My Comment: since you are using "Daddy" as a name, it should be capitalized.

“I’m doing fine. My Comment: Answers a question that wasn't asked.

Several months later. My Comment: You might show the passage of time through the weather. In the earlier segment, Gavin looks out his balcony, so you could mention some aspect of seasonal weather (heat, spring showers, etc), and then lead this segment with a contrasting bit of weather in the parking lot. Showing is better than telling!

I’m Gavin Staffley, I’m giving a presentation to employees today in the auditorium.”My Comment: comma splice

“My job is to help people see the light to enhance success and relaxation.My Comment: This is the third or fourth time Gavin has given the topic of his presentation...

“Cole shifted his feet and dropped his hands on the counter.My Comment: errant quotation mark.

“Imagine that, here we are 2007, and people are still afraid of others because of their sexual identity. And they let it get in the way of work. Just lots of stress and a vacuum of leadership.”My Comment: Who's speaking here? It's a new paragraph, so it should be Gavin, but it looks like it's Cole. Also, the comment about "homosexuals working here" felt like a non sequitur, unless it was a reference to the two guys who just came in?

           

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/