Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: "Chapter 4b: Beets Me WIP" 
Author Carol St.Ann is 19 🎂
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
           
Review posted in

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Review posted in

Mainstream Novel Workshop Forum  (18+) A forum for mainstream novel writers. (Members MUST be 18 +) #874541 by Carol St.Ann is 19 🎂

           

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.
           
Plot
Logan gets his comeuppance, as Cassie does an impromptu Karnak The Fortuneteller act and nails all his foibles. The crowd is delighted, while Logan seethes: she's stolen his opportunity to be the center of attention, and she's ridiculed him in addition. Still, he's attracted to her and jealous at the end when another patron tries to pick her up.

           
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Logan's POV. Perfect.

           
Referencing
All consistent. Seeing Cassie a bit tipsy, and also a bit of an exhibitionist herself, putting on this show, was an interesting addition to her character. Seems she's got a touch of narcissism, too.

           
Scene/Setting
I made a note in the line-by-line about some confusion I had...might me my own forgetfulness.

           
Characters
See above. Logan is confirmed as a narcissist who can't take it when the joke's on him. Cassie, too, puts on a show and enjoys the accolades, so she's not only a love interest but also a bit of competition for him.

           
Grammar
a couple minor nits in the line-by-line.

           
Just my personal opinion
A satisfying chapter, in that Logan gets put down in front of his buddies. Interesting in terms of character development, too. I think you need a hook at the end.

           
Line Edits
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
           
Waving her hands over it, she swayed back and forth and pretended to go into a trance. "Oh crystal...show me the answers I seek."My Comment: hahaha! I love this!

Dropping her hand with the empty glass to the table with a thud, she offered a wide smile and a nod to the bartender.My Comment: Somehow I had the impression that Logan huddled at the bar and Cassie and company where farther away. Wouldn't there be a barmaid she'd signal to, rather than the bartender? How can Logan hide, even with his ballcap, if the place is that small?

"What else does yer crystal ball have tae say about our own, Mr. MacGregor?"My Comment: With fear and trembling I ask, is this a misplaced comma? "our own Mr. MacGregor" is the object of the preposition "about," right? As it's written, though, it sounds like he's addressing Mr. MacGregor.

Logan kept his head down, all the while sneering at her through his eyebrows.My Comment: Hmmm...I understand poetic license, but "sneer" is an expression with lips, is it not?

"Oh, yes, well," Cassie lifted her glass and made her way over to the area from where the encouragement emanated. My Comment: "glass" repeats from prior sentence.

           

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!


Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
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http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/