Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: "Selkie Tears" 
Chapter: "Chapter 1 revised 8/14/2011" 
Author Dragon, Syphars Child
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
           
Review posted in

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #619464 by Not Available.

           

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.
           
Plot
Sean arrives at the remote home of his ex-wife, Aran, worried that she might harm herself. He finds her asleep, so he cleans and fixes breakfast. She's depressed and is troubled by dreams, but urges him to return to his new wife. He demurs and stays. He takes a call from the shrew he's now married to, then hears a scream from upstairs. Aran thought she'd seen somehing, but apparently not.

           
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Sean's point of view. Perfect.

           
Referencing
remote coastal home. no problems.

           
Scene/Setting
Good job throughout. You put me in the scene through Sean's senses.

           
Characters
Sean is loyal, caring, and a bit guilty over the divorce. Aran is depressed, listless, and a bit guilty over her dependence on her ex. Collette, the current future-ex-wife is a shrew.

           
Grammar

Commas.
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

           
Just my personal opinion
I liked this chapter a lot. You gave us great insights into your characters, made us care for both Aran and Sean (and dislike Collette), and give significant clues to the plot. All of that is great.

But...I also thought that there was a lot of narrated background in the story that pulled me away from these intriguing characters and their situation. I marked some of these in the line-by-line. Let me give some examples here. At one point, you tell us that Sean continues to be Aran's agent for her books, paintings and sketches. It's fine to give this information now, but you did it in narrated form. Why not instead have Sean glance at a sketch and think about what gallery he'll put it in and how well it will sell? That conveys the same information, but does it in a more dramatic way than the narrated paragraph that you've written. You could even insert a sentence or two on the subject of the sketch, as a way of foreshadowing.

Similarly, almost all of the narrated information on Collette is really unnecessary and could be cut. It's almost all here twice: once in narrated summary form, and again in conversations between the characters. The reader will have to read between the lines in the conversations to fill in some details, but that little step of inference will draw them more deeply into the story.

For another example, you narrate how Sean equipped the house with solar power and a generator because it is so remote. Instead of narrating, you might have him check these out, to see how they are working. That conveys the same information, but does in through the words and deeds of the characters rather than in narration.

           
Line Edits
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
           
Sean Declan pulled his Land Rover up to the one already sitting in the muddy drive. My Comment: Great opening. Names the POV character, has him doing something, and orients the reader in space and time. My only suggestion is the "up to"--is that "behind" or "next to?" You might clarify the visual image.

He was certainly glad that he’d had solar power and a generator put in. There was even a satellite so Aran could use her computer or the phone. Otherwise, there would be no power out here at all. My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of background information. Some of it is in a brief flashback, and some is in narrative form. Do we need to know this right this instant? It interrupts the action and hence the flow of the story. That's always risky, especially in a first chapter...

He found a teapot, and prepared the tea.My Comment: No comma after "teapot." This is a compound predicate, so the comma is incorrect.



He clasped his hand around her ankle feeling the braided leather band with black stones woven into it there. My Comment: suggest omitting "there."

A peal of thunder shook the house and the wind picked up, rattling the shutters. My Comment: Earlier we had sunlight coming in through the windows...you might mention storms skittering in the horizon at some point, perhaps when he arrives.

Aran wrote, painted and sketched as an outlet.My Comment: another paragraph of narrated background.

Sean used the phone to call Collette. My Comment: land line phone, or cell phone? If it's so remote that it needs a generator and solar power, does it have a land line?

“You should find a good Psychiatric hospital and have her committedMy Comment: typo: don't capitalize "psychiatric."

Her eyes met his and tears shimmered there. So strong, yet so frail, he thought. “Will you stay with me tonight, Sean?” My Comment: Tears shimmered in her eyes earlier as well...maybe a different verb here?

           

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!


Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/