Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: Jon Michaelsen...

Plot:

Perelli returns to work and Parker, although glad to have his partner back, is worried how to approach him. He seems fine but Parker notices that he’s changed.

They receive a phone call about a body found in a house. When they arrive, they find a decomposing body. Evidence found near the body suggests it is an employee at City Hall.

I didn’t notice any gaps or holes in the plot.

Style and Voice:

This chapter was told in third person from Parker’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Scene/Setting:

The first part of the chapter is the precinct headquarters. This has been described before but the additional details of the meeting room were great! The second half of the chapter was at a renovated house in the Virginia Highlands area. Good description there as well.

Characters:

No new characters.

Just My Personal Opinion:

This is an exciting chapter! Nice twist in the identity of the body. These are the ones that make you want to keep reading!

Alex

Grammar:

Very good. There were a couple of places that I suggested some word changes or sentence restructuring. Remember that these are only my humble opinion.


Parker followed Perelli to their desks. He wanted to say something encouraging, enlightening or inspiration, anything, but he remained silent. Finally, Parker he decided to break ice. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


What was that? A glimpse, glimmer of untruth shielding the detective’s eyes, the hallow voice signaled a lie? Only three days apart and Parker sensed Perelli’s return had produced a man unrecognizable to those who didn’t work with him day in and out. Parker knew the man better than most in the department. To him, Perelli seemed altered somehow, the graying of his temples more pronounced, briery [Do you mean bushier?] than before. The lines in his forehead dug deeper than usual, crisscrossing his aged skin. His lips appeared drawn and unyielding, a line that blanched down at both corners of his mouth. Perelli’s eyes, once a burst of energy appeared lifeless and distant. His thick body slumped in the chair and lacked the prideful Italian bearing he carried before. No, Perelli was different, no double about it. He came across puritanical and much older.

[The first few sentences make it sound as if Parker is being lied to, but in the following sentences, Parker is just concerned that Perelli has changed. Not necessarily the same thing. Perhaps: “A glimpse, a glimmer of a façade shielding the detective’s eyes, the hallow voice signaled someone else underneath?” Just a suggestion.]


“Not our concern,” Parker snapped, knowing such action would be ineffective. “Let’s not go off half-cocked and spook Galloti any more than we already have. We need him guessing of our suspicion, better to catch him off-guard. My gut tells me he is involved in North’s murder. I’m convinced he knows more than he’s letting on.”

The rotting, two-story house sat back from Adair Avenue approximately twenty-five feet, the property bordered by waist-high rusted fencing and giant hardwoods. Much of the lot had lost a battle with the encroachment of bottle-green ivy, which threatened the left side of the faded dwelling. The neighborhood sanctuary consisted of mostly charming bungalows built in the 1920s nestled among seven commercial villages tucked away from the more modern high-rises lining Peachtree Street in Midtown. Virginia-Highlands took its name from the crossroads of Virginia and Highland avenues, a bustling, historical junction of unique shops and trendy restaurants. The neighborhood experienced rejuvenation in the 1990s with homes bought, expanded, refurbished and sold for outrageous sums of money only a handful of obtrusive reminders remained, elderly homeowners staunchly against forced relocation by the young professionals. [Too much telling. Consider: “In the 1990’s, young, urban professionals sparked a neighborhood rejuvenation, buying, refurbishing and then reselling homes like this one, for outrageous sums of money. Now only a handful of staunch elderly home owners remained, staunch outposts against forced relocation.” Again, just a suggestion. ] A Rainbow flag fluttered from one side of the porch.


“I got my gloves, Sergeant.” Brooks stepped forward in earnest. “We were taught in the academy to always carry a pair. Good time as any to put them to good use, huh?” [When did Brooks show up? Was he already there when Perelli and Parker arrived? I know that they called him to meet them there, but I think a quick sentence of greeting when they arrive to let the reader know that Brooks got there before them and was waiting. ]

Brooks reached out to remove a gold chain from around the neck of the body. Releasing the clasp and peeling the jewelry away from the flesh. Parker noticed the rookie grow pale as he slipped one of two rings from the gaunt hand and tossed it into an evidence bag before struggling to free a remaining silver insignia. Brooks wrapped his fingers around the wrist of the deceased’s arm, locked the tips of his fingers with the other hand on the ring and tugged. To his astonishment—and all else in the room—the ring, flesh and goo slipped off the middle finger to expose white bone. The surprise sent Brooks reeling backward, the glob sailing through the air. [The body has obviously been here for a while given the progression of the decay. Would they really be surprised that the flesh came off so easily?]

“No clue. This ain’t CSU, detective, it’ll take us more time to process the body.” [I thought they were CSU. Remember Perelli when he received the phone call? “…CSU on the way? Okay, we’re rolling now.” ] The man grinned, removed rubber gloves from his meaty hands and called over a homicide photographer. “But one thing I do know for sure, your db? has a puncture or wound to the skin for the body to be in this condition.”

“Decomposition starts, right? The body emits gases that cause its carcass to bloat, expand to the full stretch of the skin, like a an inflated balloon.



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