Noticing Newbies

I know it is boring to be insecure, also it is not a good first impression. But I think before I start writing again - for people to read - I have to admit; it is time for me to get over my fear.

My fear is to be judged. English is not my first language and oh boy, I am very good at my first language (here is the confidence for you, but this kind of confidence also looks a bit repellent though, is it?). When it comes to grammar I am a perfectionist and indeed I am unfortunately very judge-mental. So I am afraid of me. I am afraid of criticism. Actually that is all I need in the end. I don't know if any of you feel the same way once. It stopped be being productive, also made me silent and anti social time to time. Not being able to speak or write the way you used to, is like losing a sense. I can't touch to people via my words and I am not able to get the reaction. I am sick of self doubt (is this tense correct, what is the right word for this, how am I going to get use to the accent in this new town). I have been drowned enough.

I used to make my living by writing. I am a lawyer, or used to be, it is still a dispute in my mind. How can someone deserve to be a lawyer if can not use the language properly? You have to show respect to profession. You need to fly like a bee, sting like a butterfly. I said "step back, let the good ones play" to myself and started working for most ridiculous job ever for my English. I have been living in the UK and speaking in my mother language all day long for more than 4 years now. How conformist of me.

And yet, couple of days ago I have been judged at work over a stupid mistake that I've done in my e-mail. "I crushed the expectations from me" they said. It hit me so hard, but I believe me I need more of them in a more constructive manner. You can be harsh too, I am not going to say "Eh, I don't care". I will care and stop doing the same mistake again. It is more tiring to keep the thoughts in mind than at least give it a try. Thanks for reading, I hope I can find courage to post something soon enough.