United in our Grief Forum.

Thanks, Rachel! It IS nice to know I'm not alone.

Like you my Dad went first. I didn't even mention him in my original post because the loss of Mom is still so fresh. Dad has been gone these 15 years now. He was my biggest cheerleader. He reminded me that I have many talents and he expected me to have a great life because that is the kind of faith he had in me. He used to tell me, "Son, I pray for you every day." When he left I wondered, "Who prays for me now?"

Thanks for reminding me that we never really get over the loss. We may learn how to cope, but as you so eloquently put it "Their loss has shaped my life..." and "Grief never leaves. It's always sitting somewhere behind me,..." "Saudade" is an excellent word in Portuguese. I shall remember that.

BTW, you didn't really ramble. You gave many comforting words. Thank you for sharing your concern from the experience of your own grief. We grieve together.

As a Christian I am taught about The Blessed Hope, but I have come to experience that that is always future for me in this present state. Saudade gives me understanding that nostalgia and melancholy are my present travel companions. I'm glad for the permission to experience the feeling that "everything-is-not-okay," but things will get better as I live in community with others, who grieve.

I suppose it is the nostalgia that makes me think and talk about Christmas so much. That was the happiest time of my life as a child. I know that Christmas turns sour for many, who lose loved ones, but for me Christmas has become a "warm, cosy blanket" that gives me peace in my grief. I'm sure that's why I have been listening to Christmas music nearly non-stop for about three and a half years now. The music seems to have the vibrations that are necessary to bring wholeness to my soul.

Thanks for all of your perspectives, including the part about the "long silences." It is that reason that I hope I don't cause "long silences" with my friends online and offline, who have heard the word, "Christmas" from my pen or from my mouth for the umpteenth time. I hear Christmas music and somehow it makes me feel that Dad and Mom are closer to me. Those cherished memories. Wonderful nostalgia.

Now, it's my turn to say that i've been rambling on, but somehow I sense that you understand. I AM grateful for that.

Thanks for the cyber-hug. I needed that. Back at you!