Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I’m a 29-year-old law school student, currently living in Valparaiso, IN, about an hour and a half from Chicago.

I’ve always prided myself on keeping it together no matter what life throws my way. I never thought that I could have a mental-health issue, and, as such, I never sought or received any diagnosis. I suffered the occasional bout of loneliness, sure, but nothing serious - that is, until a few months ago when everything seemed to collapse before my very eyes.

I heard all the stories about the stresses of law school driving students to depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and even suicide. But that could never happen to me, right? I was strong, or so I thought. At first, it was the little things that slowly gnawed away at me: I fell a bit behind on the reading for one of my classes, I had to buy my cat new food to replace the old food that she suddenly didn’t want, my best friend was spending more time with her boyfriend, and my fiancee jokingly flirted with some of her friends for whom she had no romantic feelings.

Then, in November 2017, everything seemed to hit at once. I fell at least a week behind on all my classes (but it wouldn’t cost me anything as long as I caught up before finals), my cat died in my arms (I rescued her from a shelter and she lived a good life), I hadn’t heard from my best friend in several weeks (she was battling her own depression), and my fiancee kissed those friends in front of me (the kiss was also a joke to her). I pulled myself together long enough to get caught up in all my school work, but I was simply going through the motions. I no longer cared about the light at the end of the tunnel; I’m not even sure what motivated me to press on.

Then the thoughts started creeping in: what if I just killed myself right now? At first, it was merely a thought, nothing more. Then I started running through the scenarios to predict what would actually happen. Then I started thinking about how - or even if - I would let everyone know. Meanwhile, my lifestyle deteriorated. During Winter break, when I wasn’t with my fiancee, I sat in my chair watching videos. I didn’t want to watch those videos, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t care enough to stop. I didn’t even care enough to take a food break. I lost about 10 pounds in a couple of weeks from practically starving myself.

Throughout that time, I sent my best friend Skype messages every day begging her to come back. She eventually did. She told me how depression hit her extremely hard and how she could hardly bring herself to get out of bed, let alone socialize with others. Her experiences sounded scarily familiar. She understood what I went through as well and she helped snap me out of my funk. I shared my story to my fiancee as well, which made me feel better to know that I have two people in my life who will always be there for me when I need them.

Even though I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or any mental illness, I am taking my mental health seriously. I guess that’s why I decided to join this group. Mostly, though, I want to stop hiding and thus denying those close to me the chance to help me.