Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Thinking back, when has your mental health been at its best? When has your mental health been at its worst? What caused these highs and lows? Have you noticed any trends in the state of your mental health? How do you use the history of your mental health to get yourself through lows and maintain highs?

My mental health has this sort of weird arc to it. In childhood and my early teens, my mental health was awful. At the time, I didn't really know it was my mental health that was bad. I just thought that my home situation wasn't great and all the shit going on with me was a side effect of that. I never thought about things like anxiety as anything more than the occasional panic attack that would totally wipe me out. I definitely didn't think of things in terms of diagnoses or anything psychology related at all, even after seeing therapists and being treated.

Once I left my parents' house at 16, my mental health improved greatly... or so I thought. In general, while my physical well-being has never been in more danger, I mentally felt pretty strong for years. The thought of mental illness never crossed my mind from, like, age 16-21. I was in super survival mode and thankful for what little I had. Any day where some crazy shit didn't go down was a good day.

Of course, it never crossed my mind during those years how heavily I was self-medicating and why I was doing it. I started having brief epiphanies around 21/22. Like, it's hard to explain, but I just knew something was really off. I started thinking a lot more about the why behind my behavior, mostly because my significant other was eventually like, "HI, HELLO. This isn't normal or okay." I mean, I'm sure she was saying that all along, but I actually started hearing it around that age.

I did nothing with the information, but it was at least starting to sink in that I was living really fast and really hard. I thought once I got out of my parents' house, everything from my childhood would disappear with it, just like *poof*. Apparently, that isn't the case at all.

When I started college, I cleaned up my act a lot and it was horrible for my mental wellness. I know that sounds like the opposite of what I would say or should say, but it's the truth. All the shitty things I had numbed and pushed away for years just came flooding back. I started actually researching things myself and seeking help myself instead of having someone force me to do it.

I'd say my mental health is worse now than it has been since childhood. I've been on the decline of that arc for a while now. I'm not sure why, exactly, I just know that it coincides with me cleaning up more and getting way too introspective. A lot of days, I have regrets about cleaning up and trying to stay clean. Things would be a lot easier if I hadn't.



Best,
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