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 |  A support forum for writers dealing with mental illness |
I can confidently say that I have forgiven my father for the things he did to me. It took many, many years. The first year after everything happened I didn't speak to my father. I didn't tell him good morning, bye, hello—nothing. It wasn't until my mother came to talk with me that I began speaking to him again, but it wasn't a lot and surely about nothing important. It wasn't long before I got married. I did let him walk me down the aisle. I was so thrilled to be getting married and leaving my parents home, but it left intimacy difficult for me. My father did not have sex with me, but he did put his hands on me in a way a father never should. So it was the beginning of intimacy that would trigger the event. It caused some difficult times in my marriage. But, quite a long time later, while I was going to church I heard the pastor preach about forgiveness. It made me realize that forgiveness wasn't for my father, but for me, and let me tell you it was so freeing. I never, ever thought I could forgive my father. But today I can give him a kiss and a hug and not feel bad about it. I know it's helped him, too. We've never spoken about it but the message is clear that he really does love me and he is sorry about what he did. And now, he's glad that he "has his daughter back." I'm glad, too, because he's been a great paw-paw. He's the only one my kids have so I'm happy that he's been so good to them. I've actually never been worried about my kids being with him. I just knew that he wouldn't do anything to them like he did to me. There isn't anybody that I haven't forgiven, that I can think of anyway. I was angry with my mother for a while after this happened with my father. I expected her to leave him, but she didn't. I felt like she wasn't sticking up for me. I couldn't believe that she chose him over me. I was so hurt. So, I was angry with her for a long time, but then I realized that he's all she would have after my brother and I left. I certainly didn't want her to be alone. So I forgave her about the same time I forgave my dad. The difference is that I actually spoke to my mother prior to the forgiveness. I guess there's just a bond between a child and their mother. I don't feel exactly close to my mom and I'd like to be. But we do talk and my kids go to their house (it's an hour away) and stay for days—a week or two in the summer. My mother and I went out to a movie and dinner last night. It was really nice, so we've decided we're going to do this once a month. If there's not a movie we want to see, then we'll go shopping or something. I love my mom and hope that my kids don't ever feel about me like I did about her. I want to be closer to my kids than I am to my mom. So I have to work to build up that relationship. I don't know how long she'll have my dad. He has COPD. He'll be seventy years old this year. My mom told me that she hopes he will be like his grandpa and live into his nineties. That's a big wish. But, besides the COPD my parents are both pretty healthy. So, it took a very long time, but forgiveness was freeing for me. You wouldn't think that, but it really is true.   |
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