Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Every time I hear word "forgiveness" I remember a scene from one of my favorite movies with Ryan Reynolds ("Just Friends") and the song this girl is singing to him. "Forgiveness, it's more than saying sorry. To forgive is divine, so let's have a glass of wine and have make up sex till the end of time, time, time, time, tiiiiiime. TIME!" I mean.. OH MY GOD!



Jokes on the side, I don't care about forgiveness. I mean, it doesn't mean anything to me. Sure, I can say I forgive to someone if that's what they want to hear or if that's what they need but I don't feel anything about that word. It's just meaningless to me. I had some people who caused a lot of distress in the past and the reason why I moved on is because I don't feel anything about those people anymore. I'm completely and utterly empty when they come to my mind. It's like some sort of defending mechanism for me. But, I am one of those people who never forget things though. It's not like I don't want to forget, I just can't forget whatever people do to me and for me, be it good or bad. I probably hold grudges as well but not against people. I hold grudges for things that I allowed to happen because I know I could do better than that. I beat myself at night with these thoughts even though I know I shouldn't.

If someone causes distress, sure, I'm really upset about it and need a lot of time to get my shit together. Once I cool out, you're literally nothing and no one to me. It has nothing to do with forgiveness, I just wake up to feeling of emptiness after a while. I think feeling of nothingness for people who hurt you is better than feeling of something because when you're empty they can't touch you anyhow anymore. If you feel hurt or even happy about them it's sort of like you're still allowing them to be part of your life even though you are not around them anymore.. if this makes sense. So yeah, that's how I feel (or don't feel) about forgiveness .

~Minja