Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I would first like to apologize for not being around much. I've been trying to relax between two jobs because on Friday I had a blood test. When I visited the gastro last month, she wanted to rule out other autoimmune diseases (since it's common for hypo and hyperthyroid women to have other autoimmune diseases) before diagnosing me with non-alcoholic fatty liver. My mom has hashimoto's thyroiditis, which before the body eventually kills off the thyroid, suffers go through a thyroid storm that mimics bipolar disorder (it's not uncommon for thyroid patients to either be misdiagnosed as bipolar or it's comorbid), and it wouldn't surprise me if I had that. Honestly, even celiac's disease wouldn't surprise me, but I am freaking out about the autoimmune liver disease possibility. I see that the doctor requested tests for PBC (primary biliary cirrhosis), which apparently is a very rare autoimmune disease that attacks a small portion of women, but nonetheless, I am worried. I am hoping to get the results soon and I am praying. I have itchy palms from time to time, but I don't have other itchiness (that is a symptom), and besides my AST number being elevated, everything else was fine in the past. I'm going to be anxious until the results. Sorry for this off-topic paragraph, my mind has been in worry mode today.

This leads to the point of forgiveness. I have a hard time forgiving myself regarding some things. I regret listening to my ex-boyfriend about getting medicated for depression, which eventually led to the misdiagnosis of bipolar and I regret not pushing my doctor at the time to start testing for thyroid disease. My mom was diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease when I was 13 and I was promptly tested for 3 years; I was normal and I guess they stopped because I was young and I wouldn't have to worry about it until my 30s (thyroid disease is still not well known), but I was desperate to feel better. I wanted to feel better and I had no idea what this mess would lead to. I'm finally seeing that I've been unhappy for a long time because I have done things for the sake of others, not for the sake of me. Lately, I've been learning to live for myself; not totally selfish and I still listen if good advice is presented, but I can be selfish about some things now. I am learning not to feel guilty about good selfishness.

That's not the big deal though, the big deal I've run into lately is, I haven't forgiven myself for the rape. My rapist died three years ago and while I will never condone what he did, I've been working on that forgiveness is not really absolving the person from the wrong, but moving on from it. I have done that somewhat with him, but I am finding it hard to forgive myself. I was raised Catholic, became Muslim for a little bit in 2010 until I reconverted two years after the rape. Premarital sex is a sin and I shouldn't have put myself in a position for that to occur. When I was in high school, I was a teetotaler. I was against alcohol consumption and I will admit, if people in power raped women, I blamed the women for being so irresponsible to allow that to happen. I am doing that to myself because in college after I left Islam in 2010, I started to drink. I drank while on bipolar meds; I did something I hated in high school. Alcoholism runs in my family and my grandmother was scared to death about the drinking. I didn't drink a lot and I never got drunk (the night I was raped was the first time I was ever drunk), but Nan was worried. Between 2011-2013, I became someone I never fathomed of becoming. It wasn't all bad, I learned to love travelling and I did amazing things in that time, but I am finding it hard to forgive myself for putting myself in a position that I was totally against as a teen and am now against again. I would never judge a person who was raped now and I offer support now, since I've been through it, but I am finding it hard to give myself a break. I think learning to do that would ease some of the anger and depression. I'm not quite sure how to do it, though.