Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Some aspects that other's view as narcissistic, I view as having the lowest of self-esteem. Many narcissists tend to insult others in order to feel better about themselves. My thoughts are that if someone feels a need to insult others to feel better about themselves, then in reality they have low self-esteem. Those with highter self-esteem are able to value the great qualities and achievements in another, while also valuing their own good qualities and achievements. So, good self-esteem includes a balance of self-worth and humility.

Unfortunately I was raised by someone who had narcissistic qualities that I mentioned above and in turn I developed coping mechanisms that made me vulnerable to abusive relationships.

There are aspects in my personality that have been brought to my attention recently. One is that I automatically find fault with myself in an avoidance of conflict. Rather than putting value on myself, when I feel like I am disrespected, I just rationalize with that I am being overly sensitive or something similar to that. This is evidence of low self-esteem and I have been working on expressing my thoughts in a rational way, despite the fear of retaliation.

My boyfriend's words in respect to the issue, made an impact. He said, "Your actions are of someone who is in a relationship where one is over the other. When I chose you, I did so because I want an equal, not someone to control." In contemplation, I realized the subservient dynamics had become the norm to me in other relationships, who were abusive and/or controlling. It's kind of like Pavlov's law in the respect that experience taught me that putting myself down and not standing up for myself, got more favorable results from my partner. Standing up for myself tended to harvest a bad result, such as violence or insult.

Where I feel I have higher self-esteem is that, even though In don't verbalize it often, I can see the good qualities in myself. Yet, I often praise the wonderful qualities in others. I think that this is important, especially if we want to grow as a person. This encourages us to lift each other up, rather than tear each other down. When someone is more knowledgeable, these humble qualities are an asset that enable us to listen and learn. Otherwise you become a know-it-all stunted in emotional and mental growth.

There are aspects of myself that I tend to keep dormant in relationships, mostly because when I allowed myself to be more free, jealousy in the other party would encourage too much drama. Lately, I've been really building on my self-esteem by allowing myself to be the free-spirited artistic me.

In some ways I am testing the waters in my current relationship. This weekend I went to a Beltane festival with my boyfriend. For the first time in ten years I belly danced around the fire (topless). The last time I danced around the fire I was married to my husband and he began accusing me of sleeping around. So, I equated me dancing to creating insecurity in the other person, blaming myself, rather than holding them accountable to their ignorance. This time, the results were quite different. Instead of the negativity that I experienced in the past, he raised me up, encouraging me.

Typically, in any situation I prefer to blend. In a situation like dancing, I would wait until there was a large group, so that I can blend within them. Yet, this weekend, I set the pace, actually being the first to dance around the fire for others to follow. That is a HUGE breakthrough for me. Due to fear of judgement, I typically avoid attention. Lately I have realized that these actions have really kept me from moving forward in a lot of things, not just the fun stuff. So, I've really been working on numbing those internal degrading voices, and saying "Fuck it! I am going to allow myself to enjoy life."


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"Distorted Minds Contest"