Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Do you have a low or high self-esteem? If you have a low self-esteem, what do you think is the cause of it? How important is it to have a high self-esteem? Has your self-esteem fluctuated throughout your life? In what ways? How does a person balance having a high self-esteem without coming across as arrogant or unlikable? How does a person balance having a low self-esteem without coming across as weak or an easy target for predators?

I have always had low self-esteem my entire life. To this day my self-esteem has always been so negative. I call people liars when they compliment me, which is cruel to them, but at the same time, I feel it is cruel to me that they TRY and give me a 'false sense of hope' (I'm guessing that I'm wording this right). Most people I communicate with know me and know my self esteem is low and I understand that they are only trying to help, but it really doesn't. It angers me. If I know for a fact that i'm not beautiful or gorgeous or even somewhat pretty, why on Earth would I just start to one day believe that you are right and I am wrong (and have been wrong my entire life) about myself?! Um duh, I have low self-esteem, I'm not stupid... No matter what anyone says or does, my self-esteem is MY self-esteem and others are NOT going to change that. If it changes it will be because of me and what I think of myself, duh self-esteem, not because someone thinks they told me enough times that they think different of me then I think of myself. It's weird how when you're younger the things people say to you stick with you and factor into your self-esteem, but as you get older and your self-esteem lowers, others positive words and reactions will not affect your self-esteem in a positive way. It's like it reaches a point where it says, "ok that's enough to damage that esteem to where you will never think positively about yourself ever again, no matter what anyone says in the future, you will only get worse from here, but never better. And I'm wrong, I know I am. I know there are people who have overcome low self-esteem. It can be done, just not by me...And honestly, if I picture myself with a high or even moderate self-esteem, I wouldn't very much like myself that way either. I've learned to accept my low self-esteem. I deal with it, accept it and move on, so what's the point of trying to change it now?
I don't think it's bad to have a normal self-esteem, but a high self-esteem makes people unapproachable just as much as a low self-esteem. People just need to always remain humble.
Having low self-esteem has made me look weak and a target for others, which is why I was bullied a lot as a kid and as an adult with relationships with guys. Those people and their actions/words changed me and that was my fault for letting them get to me like that, but now, though my self-esteem is still so negative and low, I don't allow others to be a factor in it. Hard to explain here. I don't care what others think of me anymore, so their words no longer affect me, but I still and probably always will, have low self-esteem. The damage was done a long time ago and there's no going back, but there's no going forward with negativity either.
I'm not sure I've ever met someone who had high self-esteem that didn't come off as arrogant.
Not sure I answered all the questions, but I hit on them the best I could.


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