Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I've had low self esteem forever. I can't remember a time I could find anything about myself I genuinely liked. For most of my life, I've thought of myself as a useless waste of space. I'm sure it comes from the environment I grew up in. Sexual abuse from my grandfather and a father who constantly told me I was fat, stupid, a disappointment. He always said I'd never find anyone to marry me. If I did, it would have to be a blind person. So, yeah. Comments like that kind of leave an impression in your mind. It definitely made me easy prey for predators. I think about the men who abused me. They weren't all connected to my grandfather. So, I was obviously an easy target. Then, there's my first husband's violence. He snared me, and I was too weak to leave for far too long.

Mostly, though, the thing that saddens me is when I think about what I could have done, if I'd had some self esteem. Last year, when I won Best Portfolio in the Quills, I cried. Yes, because I was happy. But, it was more about realising I'm not completely useless. I thought, if I can win this, it must mean there's something good about my writing. Then, I felt really sad. I wish I'd been able to believe in myself when I was younger. Maybe I would have had a career in publishing, or something. It feels like a waste.

I don't think it's a matter of having a high self esteem, necessarily. I think it's more important to have good self esteem. It's important to feel yourself worthy. It's important to not detest yourself and constantly tell yourself you are ugly, fat, thick, etc. Have self belief, that matters a lot. It gives you the confidence to identify what you want from life, and to go for it. You can have good self esteem without being a jerk.

My self esteem is probably better now than previously. That is to say, I do actually have a little bit of self esteem. I'm still a pushover, and I notice little things (with my hubby and friends) where I think, I should have said no, or I wish I'd stood up for myself. Sometimes, my hubby will make a joke at my defence (not in a mean way), and I feel bad about myself, then feel bad for taking it so personally. I second guess myself a lot. I think a high dose of self esteem might cure that.