Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I understand when you talk about punishing yourself by not letting anyone in due to those fears you have, Angela. I'm doing just that. I've come to the point where I don't want to go out and meet someone because I know if I do they'll hurt me. When I think about letting someone in, it doesn't work and I see them breaking me in the same way I was broken few years ago so I rather stay home where I feel safe. I avoid talking to people overall as well because I'm afraid I'd say something wrong and they'll think I'm undeserving or worthless and it's very hard for me to trust someone enough to engage in a serious conversation about any topic. Even when they approach I refuse to interact because in my head they only want to hurt me in some way and I have to protect myself. Very few people on this site, three of them, one who I talk with on a daily basis, other two not very often if at all lately, are those who I feel comfortable with. Others just can't do a thing for me. It's not their fault of course but anyway I don't want everyone to know me better than newsfeed posts or poetry, stories. I didn't come here to make emotional friendships anyway. I just wanted to write. So stupid but I can't get rid of it. I only see constant failures, like a chained car crash, so I choose to stay home and avoid getting to know people who would drive one of those cars.