Only Chapter One

Thank you for your submission and the gps.

Review of "To Dream Darkly"

I hope you find this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob


Hello, Matt Dixon!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Beginning with Jacob hearing voices in his head to kill someone is a great idea. It does provide a very effective opening hook. However, as I mention under notes below, you might want to make the first two sentences clearer to avoid initial ambiguity.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Jacob is an interesting and sympathetic character because his life is being ripped apart by outside forces that are no fault of his own. That's good.

'Jacob' might not be the best name for a character who is a shapeshifter. I only say this because Jacob Black, the famous character from Twilight, was - of course - a shape-shifter who took on the form of a wolf. He experienced similar problems when he first discovered that he was a 'werewolf', with the uncontrollable urges and shifting when he didn't want to. It might invite comparisons you don't intend.

I think that we need to feel more horror from Jacob about the thoughts he's having about killing his friend. If he isn't sickened and horrified by his urges, then you'll lose a certain amount of reader sympathy. You need reader sympathy for them to read on.

Before he eats Sarah, you might like to use their conversation and interactions to hint at Jacob's interests beyond the plot in order to make him a more rounded character. Readers tend to find characters with interests beyond the plot more plausible and real than those who only live to serve the plot. For example, Sarah might return his DVD of a famous film that's not usually watched by teenagers, like Charlie Chaplin's Great Dictator or Kubrick's Clockwork Orange. Or she could remind him of a concert he promised to buy tickets for or a sporting event they'd planned to attend together. Any of these actions would serve the dual purpose of 1) showing a stronger connection between Jacob and Sarah and 2) showing what Jacob likes in terms of sports and entertainments.

The musical voice of Sarah melted into the thumping of his heart -> if you want him to feel more like an animal, consider using animal senses as his primary sense, like 'the scent of her sweet sweat and a faint musky smell he was sure he shouldn't be able to detect unless she had poor hygiene standards, which he knew for a fact she did not.' You do use it later with the lavender scent, but that's something any human could smell. Make him appear to be superhuman, supernatural.

We need to know a bit more about his parents, especially anything that can contrast with what they are. For example, if Mum is a nurse and Dad a social worker, it'll make them being monsters a huge and interesting contrast.

Plot — is it driving the story?


I like your plot so far quite a lot. There's a definite conflict and you end on a bit of a cliffhanger. I feel that you could do more to bring out Jacob's horror when he realizes he's really killed his only friend, but otherwise, it's great.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The pace is okay, but it would feel faster if you edited out the weak verbs and made more sentences active. Succinct text leads to a perception of faster pace.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Your language is clear enough to follow, but it tends to be passive in tone and filled with weak verbs.

Do a search for 'was' and 'were'in your Word document. Note how frequently you rely on the weak 'to be' verb. Consider replacing many of these with stronger verbs and rearranging the sentences to facilitate this. Change your passive sentences to active ones.

Here's an example from your text followed by an edited version with most was/were removed:

There was a putrid burning smell that clung to his nostrils. Hell. It had to be. The landscape was gloomy but rather than the rocks and eternal fires burning sinners, there were just tall trees and the thick undergrowth of a tropical jungle. Blood. There were rivers of blood flowing through the undergrowth to his left and right. On the banks of these rivers were odd looking creatures; human sized goblin creatures. One of them was sinking its teeth into neck of a middle-aged man, tearing his neck open and letting the blood spurt out. Another had a girl under its right foot squealing for help. As he watched, the creature reached down and snapped her neck, cutting her squeal short. Everywhere he looked along the banks of the rivers there was pain and suffering. The creatures were feasting on people and the screams of the victims echoed through the air. The creature with the girl suddenly looked up at him with beady yellow eyes and let out a guttural cry.

A putrid burning smell clung to his nostrils. This must be Hell. The landscape looked gloomy enough, but rather than sinners burning in eternal fires, he saw the tall trees and thick undergrowth of a tropical jungle. Rivers of blood flowed to his left and right. Odd looking creatures stood on the river banks, human-sized goblins. One sank its teeth into a middle-aged man's neck, tearing it open so blood spurted out. Another crushed a screaming girl under its foot. As he watched, the creature reached down and snapped her neck, cutting her squeal short. Everywhere along the river banks, people suffered in agony. The creatures feasted on humans, and their victim's screams echoed through the air. The creature with the girl suddenly looked up with beady yellow eyes and let out a guttural cry.

Note that rather than constructions like 'screams of the victims' you can simply write 'victim's screams'.

Notes

Eat her! That was not the voice a teenager ordinarily hears in their mind when admiring a beautiful girl. -> You might like to rephrase "Eat her!" I've probably watched too many American teen movies, but 'eat her' is a pretty common expression, I believe, amongst young Americans, and it doesn't mean what you mean here. Something like 'Rip her to shreds. Devour her succulent flesh and gnaw on her bones.' might work better. Also, why 'their' rather than being gender specific? You need to identify the gender of the viewpoint narrator as soon as possible, and this is a missed opportunity. Why not 'the voice an average teenage boy hears in his mind'?

Its way too hot tonight.’ -> it's not 'its'

The bare flesh was like a mouth watering feast and she had no idea the thoughts that now plagued him. -> consider: His mouth watered at the sight of her bare flesh, and she had no idea of the thoughts that now plagued him. -> it's more active -> also note that when you have two long and independent clauses (each containing their own subject and object) then you need a comma.

There was an abrupt and intense physical change. He was certain that he could feel his innards moving. -> I feel that you repeat the fact of his insides changing too many times. It's beginning to feel very repetitive by this point.

and glared up at Sarah with eyes that seemed to have changed; they looked yellow and almost reptilian. It gave him the appearance of some possessed creature; whose stare was like that of a hunter eyeing its prey in the dark undergrowth of the jungle. -> this all doesn't sound like it's from Jacob's viewpoint. He can't see his own appearance unless he looks in a reflective surface or is viewing and describing a visible part of his body. From this point on, lots of the events sound like they're from Sarah's viewpoint.

He could feel her sneakers kicking inside him. -> if they're inside a reptilian gullet, and the muscle bands are contracting in a rhythmic wave to perform the swallow action, she couldn't possibly be kicking. There would be no room.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


It was fairly clear where we were all the time. In the bedroom, use objects around the place to show more about what kind of person Jacob is. For example, are there rock group posters on the wall? Does he have boxing trophies? Does he have a bookshelf containing all the Harry Potter books? Is it typical teen boy messy, or is it borderline OCD neat until he starts to eat Sarah? When describing smells, try to be more specific. This smell that's uniquely Sarah, what's it like? Be gross; horror readers love that.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


My feeling is that you've got a great premise and plot here. Your characters need to be a bit more rounded, but your narrative is your biggest weakness at the moment, imho. You need to use more active language to create a more engaging narrative.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"