Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Some people we love most in the world have no idea what we're going through, and think all the problems can be solved if we just "Stop being so negative."

He sees me nursing our twins with tears in my eyes. Tears because I know they'll be hungry in a few minutes and I don't make enough to feed them.
I give them what I can before we go to the bottle of formula. And I hold the bottle to their lips and watch them suckle, tears in my eyes all over again.
He thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and says "So, you can't nurse. Who cares? They have formula, it's not like they're going to starve to death. Stop being so negative."

He sees my unintentional glare at his mother when she walks into the room- AGAIN.
That glare because I feel she is invading our space. She moved in and won't leave!!
This is a house, MY house, not flypaper. Get the heck out!! Don't touch my babies, I don't need your help, I am a 30 year old woman, I've done this before. I can take care of my daughters without you breathing down my neck and telling me I'm doing this wrong, and that wrong, and this wrong, and that wrong, and why don't I do this? or why don't I do that? How about you let me alone!!
But he wants her here for his peace of mind so he can go to work without worrying. I wish he could trust me to watch our children without supervision from his MOTHER!!! >:(
He says "Sorry, I know you don't want her here, but your reasons why make no sense, so you're overruled. I don't want to live with her either, but right now, having her here has more pros than cons. You'll just have to deal with it or you can go somewhere else. Stop being so negative."

He sees me wear my happy mask; my special Mommy's Happy face. I have to smile for our oldest child.
But behind my happy mask, I'm wailing. "What if she feels I'm too busy with the babies? Did I just tell my 7 year old "leave me alone!" All she wanted to do was play with me. But I was too busy trying and failing to nurse. My god, I'm a horrible mother."
I tell him these things, I ask him, "Do you think I spend enough time with her? Does she get enough attention? Affection? I'm worried I'm a bad mom."
He says, "God damn, you're not a bad mom. Stop being so negative."

I tell him, honey, OB confirmed this is PPD.
He says, "I'd believe it if you weren't this way for our entire f*cking marriage. Just get over it and do what makes you happy. Go somewhere else and find happiness, or just learn to be happy with what you have, and stop being so negative."

If only you knew, my love.
If only you knew what this was like.
Our entire f*cking marriage I had depression and you knew this. Counseling helped. But the pregnancy and birth of the babies set me back, and now I have to work hard to climb out of this well I've fallen into yet again. Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt myself or our kids. I haven't felt like doing that since I was 17. Only once and never again.
You don't know what it's like to be upset for reasons you can't explain. You have no idea what its like to be upset that you're upset! I was too upset to use the treadmill today, and now I'm upset because I didn't use the treadmill. My babies are growing older every day, and I spent today upset, and now I'm upset for spending the day upset!
I WISH it was as simple as "Stop being so negative."

I wish you understood something. This is a wall you cannot see. This is a wall only I can climb.
This is robbing me of enjoying my babies. This is a rift that is preventing me from appreciating the help I'm being given. This is a black hole, effectively sucking me in, away from everyone I love, shutting all of you out because none of you understand or even care to understand.

I'm not asking for you to fix me. I'm not asking for you to cry with me. I'm not asking for anything except for your patience and understanding. Please be patient with me.
I am trying.