Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Really, how I perceive myself or how they would perceive me would depend on the person. With a lot of people, I am standoffish, especially if they are female because I have trust issues when it comes to women. A lot of women can be catty and manipulative. It is almost like our society norms nurture this in females.

In such situations, where I am quiet, I am perceived as snobbish. This has been clarified as true because many who have gotten to know me said that was their first impression. I think it is the way I carry myself with my quiet nature. I actually have good posture and look people in the eyes. Sometimes I sorta accidentally stare at people too much because I am following their body language. Body language says a lot about a person.

There are only some people who I feel more comfortable being talkative right away with, which are older women, trans people, gay men, and people who are open about their not normalness (I.E. mentally ill). I think it is the authenticity of the people that brings comfort. Most trans people or gay men have had to struggle to accept and be accepted for their authentic self. Older women, for the most part, have gotten beyond the competitive youth and are confident in who they are. Most who are just naturally off in comparison to social norms or are mentally ill tend to have given up on putting on a mask of normal. No matter how imperfect in personality these people may seem, they are displaying their authentic self and that is something I can trust.

When I was in abusive relationships, I used to think people felt sorry for me and it would piss me off. Pity is the worst to receive because for me it is like them saying I am weak, which is an insult. Although, I found out this was not true. One day, when it had been some time after leaving my abusive ex-husband I was talking with my then best friend (He passed away five years ago due to HIV). He was talking about a mutual friend of ours who is bipolar and was in an abusive marriage. There was a lot of pity in his comments. I said, "Ya, I'm sure plenty of our friends said the same about me." His response was, "nope, actually quite the contrary. You always seemed strong-willed and unphased by any public verbal abuse. So, I always thought you were secure in yourself." Then he went on to say that the most common comment behind my back was bewilderment of why I had not left him already because it was odd that a strong woman would take such things from anyone.

So, as much as I struggle with self-esteem sometimes, apparently to others I give off the opposite. I was pretty shocked to learn that. Apparently, I am a better actress than I thought. After all, my best friend didn't even see my internal struggle with self-worth.

As far as my perception of others, most of the time my evaluation is pretty accurate. I think this is where my learned survival instincts from the child abuse I encountered. I had to be hyper-aware of my surroundings and people in order to survive. So, I became adept at understanding body language and such. Although I have been deceived by a few actors, for the most part, I have sensed dangerous people pretty easily. In these situations, most of the time I have learned I was correct in my evaluation.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"