Only Chapter One

Hi!

To be honest, it's better to complete your book first and Then re-write the opening chapter. You can go on writing the first chapter forever because as you're writing other chapters, you'll always come across stuff that makes you think "I should have foreshadowed this in Chapter 1!"

Anyway, here's my review of your current chapter one.

Review of "The Snowglobe in Space"

Hope you find it useful!

Best wishes,

Bob


Hello, The Lost One!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separates the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


The concept of your opening is wonderful. Immediately, there's something exciting going on and it's a great hook. However, my gut feeling is that there's a little too much detail and repetition. For example, the fact that there's ringing in the protagonist's ears is repeated twice within the opening paragraph. The fact that his eyes are glued shut is mentioned, using different descriptions, in both the first and second paragraphs. I feel that if you streamline the first three paragraphs into one less detailed paragraph then you'll get a stronger hook and more reader immersion.

Basically, the reader requires more clarity and sooner.

Characters — are they well rounded?


James is proactive and you do give him something to do at the start. However, you may need to make him a little more sympathetic at first in order to get the reader invested in him. Having him swear all the time and threaten violence against people he's never met in the opening scene don't make him all that appealing. Swearing and threats of violence are great from a protagonist, but only after you've established them as sympathetic to the reader, ie. James can be as obnoxious as you like AFTER the reader has grown to care for him and cheer him on.

Tim is interesting. He comes across as more sympathetic, and yet there's something I don't trust about him. If you intended that, you've done it well.

Plot — is it driving the story?


James has woken up all confused, and now he's about to land on a space station. All that's great! You might like to strengthen the end hook a little by having Tim throw in some more hints about why this station is so important.

"So, we will be there in a few hours according to that screen," he pointed at a dirty monitor behind James. - generally in fiction involving cryogenic sleep, it is assumed that the crew will awaken several days, maybe a week, before they arrive at their destination, in order to allow them to fully recover from their disoriented state.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The opening us a little stretched out and the end a little too fast paced for me.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


There appear to be copious grammar mistakes in your prose. Consider uploading the free version of Grammarly to your computer. It would assist you to see where the more obvious problems are. Reading your manuscript aloud can also help highlight any issues that exist.

Notes

His hands hit against the walls that shook with each vain grasp while desperately searching for something to hold on. - after writing your first draft and doing an initial edit, try reading the chapter aloud to see if there's anything weird sounding. Take this sentence. Note that the initial grammatical subject (the thing doing the verb action) is his hands. With 'that shook' the grammatical subject becomes 'the walls', since they are doing the shaking. The final clause, therefore, may be read as: The walls were desperately searching for something to hold on. Read the whole sentence aloud and see if you can grasp what I'm on about.

Not even his name did he recall. - I think here you're trying to sound literary, and also to place the emphasis of the sentence on recall, but I think it would sound better as: He didn't even recall his name.

He let go of the panel before his moment ran out and headed for the door. - here, did you mean momentum?

Slowly he wore them as he sat on the frigid floor. - first, the verb you need is "Don". If he "wore" them, then he already had them on. Second, think about the timing of events. It's always best to present facts to the reader as chronologically correct as possible, so here: As he sat on the frigid floor, he donned...

Ship!" He shouted, instantly rubbing his dusty throat afterwards. - it would be lower case "he shouted" because it's still the same sentence as "Ship!"

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Your settings were certainly interesting. The idea of a rusty spacecraft and dirty screens was great. However, I wasn't in love with him donning regular clothes straight after awaking from cryogenic sleep. Not only were the clothes not futuristic, but they also didn't sound very practical for the situation.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


There are some really good elements to this opening chapter, such as the confused awakening and the rusty ship, but I feel that this chapter needs a lot of editing to make it clearer for the reader without losing the confusion and excitement of the opening scene.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"