Only Chapter One

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Review of "Change"

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Hello, Yendi!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


The opening establishes Jace as the viewpoint protagonist and also hints at conflict because he's upset at his partner's desire to stay and watch the movie.

However, I was confused by two minor points that could easily be fixed.

First, I assumed that Luka was Jace's girlfriend until he appears in person and turns out to be male. Luka is an androgynous name, so it would be better if you could somehow slip the male pronoun into Jace's thoughts about him in the opening paragraphs so that his gender is established.

Second, the relationship between Jace and Luka isn't adequately expressed here. It would be better to get it out in the open what they are to each other. To be honest, I've read the whole chapter and I'm still not sure. They are described as partners, but I'm not sure if that's in a romantic relationship sense or a business sense. Maybe all vampires must hang out with a werewolf partner in the universe you're creating, and there's nothing romantic implied. If Luka is Jace's boyfriend, why not use the word boyfriend at some point in the first few paragraphs so that their relationship is clear from the get-go?

Characters — are they well rounded?


I'm liking both blokes because Jace wants to save the boy at first, and Luka does later. However, I feel that their relationship needs to be better clarified, and I'm mystified why you decided to do that role reversal where at first Jace is the caring one wanting to save the boy but later it's Luka. You could create much better conflict and engage your reader better by having one of them wishing to save the boy and the other opposing (with reasonable reasons) throughout, so that there would be a clear conflict and resolution as Jace wins out, persuading Luka to help the poor boy they've saved.

The biggest problem with the blokes is that I've no idea what they look like, either their general appearance or their ages. I also don't know what kind of work they do or what their interests are beyond going to the movies. I don't expect an in-depth biography in the opening chapter, and I would hate to see an info dump, but when Luka first appears, Jace could see that he's taller/shorter whatever, think about their mutual ages, maybe wonder what a stunning male model is doing with a scruffy Goth like himself, something that shows what they both look like without being too telling or infodumpy, if you catch my drift.

I like the lady witch even more. She's a selfless person who is dedicated to her craft. You do manage to describe her physically, so we know her age and rough appearance.

Plot — is it driving the story?


Your plot is pretty solid. You've got a clear conflict and end with various hooks: 1) what will the boy be like when he turns? 2) who first bit him? 3) what will the authorities say about all this? 4) what will Jace and Luka do after the transition etc??? Lots of interesting questions raised.

As I said under character, though, it might be better if the two blokes have more consistent positions on whether to help the young boy or not. That will generate better conflict and feeling of resolution toward the end of this chapter.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Your pacing is good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Your prose is generally clear and easy to follow. I found your story quite engaging. You might like to look into comma usage in a good style guide, like The Chicago Manual of Style, since you appear to place them in quite random locations sometimes and generally fail to use them to separate independent clauses where their omission is felt. The problem is so rife that I didn't bother to copy examples into the notes below. Just take a glance at the simple comma guide linked here and that should help:
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/

Notes

"It's a fictional movie, Jace created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires," Luka said, joining -> when addressing somebody within a spoken sentence, separate out that person's name from what's said to them with as many commas as are needed. Here, …movie, Jace, created… Also, it's a good idea to get speech tags in as early as possible rather than forcing the reader to read to the end of the speech before finding out who's speaking. In that way, the reader can better imagine the sound of the voice and is so better immersed in the scene. So here, for example, you might write: "It's a fictional movie, Jace," said Luka, "created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires." OR: Luka joined him. "It's a fictional movie, Jace, created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires."

Yet how could he in good conscious do so? -> in good conscience

Just breath through your mouth and stay alert. " -> breathe, not breath, and there's an extra space at the end between the period and speech marks.

Placing the items on the floor she laid out a large towel on the rug and motion for Jace to bring the patient. -> and motioned for

Filling the cook pot halfway with water, -> two things. 1) she asked him to fill the pot, but he's half filling it. 2) if all she's going to do with it is wash her hands, why did she ask for a pot rather than a bowl of water?

"Gemstones used for drawing out and absorbing energ -> if they're gemstones, maybe describe them as such as she lays them out rather than simply calling them stones until now.

"A half-breed? I didn't think such a thing was possible with vampires." -> if it wasn't possible, why would they have a special word for it, and why would he know this word?

"I need to keep an eye on him anyway for the next few weeks, to make sure his transition goes as smooth and painless as possible. -> either, to ensure his transition goes as smoothly and painlessly as possible, OR, to ensure his transition is as smooth and painless as possible. The second option is more active, better.

Turning the machine on, she to her room and came out -> she, what? to her room? she disappeared into her room, maybe?

"Woah, that's my bedroom," he heard Luka whisper behind him. "So cool." -> my bedroom? I thought that they were partners? Wouldn't it be 'our bedroom'?

Speaking of blood when was the last time you ate?" -> I'm confused about why Jace would leave it so long before eating. It seems like unusual behavior that's unexplained.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


I found your settings adequate and was pleased to see you using the sense of smell and taste within the story.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


I feel that you have an interesting story to tell, but you need to show your two male protagonists a little better (like what they look like, what they do when they're not being all supernatural, what their interests are, how old they are, are they in a relationship?) and make their behavior consistent.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"