Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

When I look back at past years I don't remember when was the last time I felt good about the holidays. I think it was at the beginning of 2000 (maybe 2002), we had a three-day celebration at some abandoned house. The best thing about that holiday was that I don't really remember anything except that all of us were stoned completely. I remember holding my mouth, squeezing my cheeks, trying to shape my face for whatever reason *lol*. Year after that we tried to make some cool memories again but one of our friends died suddenly on New Year's Eve and since then everyone went on their own. It was the worse year for me back then, I cried my heart out that night and just lost the feeling for celebrations of any kind. After my father died I lost it completely.

People in my place like to use a lot of fireworks and pyrotechnics which causes me heavy breathing and worry. While everyone else is laughing and counting seconds to New Year I try to find a lonely corner where I can sit and cover my eyes and ears because all I can see is those fireworks falling down on me, pyrotechnics ripping my legs and hands. I'm just really scared of those, I only see them as bombs. I spent a few years out like that and later just told myself I'm staying home in the future.

We don't celebrate Christmas here since we're not Christians but I do love the overall feeling other people have (or pretend to have). I watch Christmas movies, bake cookies and shit when I'm in the mood. I know this isn't the point but that's what I love about it- the warmth of the weather and time when I can enjoy being inside the house with myself alone . So, yeah, every year my desire to be around cheery people is fading away. I like some aspects of holidays but I'll always rather choose to stay home and go through it as I go through any other ordinary day . I really don't know if I should be thankful that everyone gave up on calling me out for celebration or cry because no one is doing it anymore.

~Minja