Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Growing up, my mother was undiagnosed BPD and possibly narcissistic disorder. I think it was when I was about 16 or so that she got a diagnosis of BPD. So, she did things in extremes. When she embraced religion, she did so to the point that it was scary. When I was about five she decided the spare the rod, spoil the child thing meant beating me into submission. She did the whole mommy dearest thing with the coathanger. Then anything I did that she considered wrong, she'd say that it was the devil or a demon causing me to do it because we are born evil. This did a lot of psychological damage to me early on.

During that time, my father actually told her she was no longer allowed to discipline me and as a compromise, so that I was getting religion she wanted, he took me to the unity church, which is the less judgmental, more peaceful type of church. My mother never hit me again, but her rebellion was to have absolutely no interaction with me. She completely ignored me or would say, go ask your father or whatever. It wasn't like her and I had much positive quality time anyway.

I suppose, due to many of the extremes my mother showed me in her religious fazes, when people get overly zealous about their faith to where I feel they are too pushy, I rebel because it is a trigger for me. That is probably why Paganism was so appealing to me in my early 20's. It was my rebellion against Christianity.

As I got older, I realized it is not rational or healthy to just judge a whole group of people of a certain faith due to experiences with my mother and a few other not so good people. So, I actually got involved with the Christian church for about a year. As much as I tried to acclimate myself to the belief system, I felt fake. It just felt like I was in the wrong place. So, I went back to my Pagan roots, where I feel I belong.

I am an eclectic Pagan, but the basis for my belief system is Hermetics. Although, unlike a lot of Pagans, I am less of a polytheist and take more of a holistic and scientific approach. Daily, I meditate, which helps me keep my sanity.

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