Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I'll try to keep mine short.

Anyone who has read my blogs knows that I was raised strictly Catholic. My problem with religion then, and now, is that instead of receiving mental health help, I received the "religious" treatment as a kid. For example, instead of consulting a doctor or therapist, my parents might have a meeting with the priest for consultation on what to do with me.

I'm not feigning innocence here at all. I was a really bad kid. I was extremely difficult to deal with, overly emotional, and self-injured regularly by the time I was 11 years old. My parents were beyond confused on how to deal with me, especially because they had raised my older brothers generally without incident. I think it was difficult for them to understand that not all your kids are the same so they can't always be held to the same standards.

I was terrified of religion. I have OCD and developed scrupulosity. I would ritualistically pray and having complete breakdowns during confessional was a regular thing. Even after I was 16 or so and on my own, I continued this because I was absolutely convinced that if I didn't do all this compulsory religious stuff, something bad would happen to the people I cared about.

My basic cycle was:
1) Do something "bad"
2) Have a mental breakdown about the "bad" thing I did
3) Ritualistically repent
4) Repeat

I was still doing this, by the way, when I was like 17, 18, 19... The people I'd met since leaving my hometown behind were completely baffled because anyone who knows me knows that I don't lead an exactly morally upright life. It took a lot of work and conversations with the new people in my life for me to come around to the idea that the religion I was raised in was not something I genuinely believed in. My "belief" was borne of fear and abuse, and was ultimately mentally unhealthy for me.

I don't really blame my parents at this point. They trusted the church and thought they were doing what was right. It does piss me off that the church thought they had any right to advise my parents on how to handle me. In my opinion, they had no right to do that and I think a lot of things could have been prevented had I felt safe to talk to an adult without getting disciplined.

There was a long period of time where I absolutely loathed organized religion of any sort. I still have to catch myself sometimes and remind myself that my situation isn't necessarily representative of a religion and certainly isn't representative at all of an individual in that religion.

Personally, I stay away from religion now because I'm scared of getting caught back up in my scrupulosity OCD. I don't debate religion. I don't correct people when they try to tell me religious "truths" from the Bible, even when I know they're wrong because I spent years and years reading, writing from, and studying it.

I just try to take each person I meet as an individual, no matter what religious or spiritual beliefs they hold


Best,

Charlie


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