Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I think this is pretty much spot on- especially the lack of self identity and fear of abandonment. The way my therapist explained it, I had very real abandonments in childhood. With BPD, I experience the same intensity of feelings of abandonment, even when no actual abandonment is happening.

For example, I'm not one to fuck with during a fight. If I get into an argument with someone, they can't just leave. They can't ignore me or take space and time to think about things. I've been known to physically block exits because in the intensity and emotion of the moment, my brain is like, "If you let this person leave, it's a permanent abandonment." People have to physically assault me to get me out of their way, which is totally fair, in my opinion.

Like she stated in the video, even small completely non-malicious things can set off this huge fear of abandonment. For example, if two of my friends are talking about a movie they saw together or my mother is talking about a lunch she had with my brother, it can be an instant feeling of rejection and abandonment. I'm also fully aware of how illogical it is, but during those moments of intense meltdowns, I can't control myself.

Obviously, I have pretty much all of these traits. We know I have impulsivity issues (substance abuse). I have suicidal gestures (self-harming). One of the things that scares me is that during a moment of impulsivity, I'm going to do something that I can't undo. And there's nothing you can do in the moment to calm down someone who has BPD. If I'm having what I call an "episode" or a "freakout" or a "meltdown", there is literally nothing that anyone around me can do to defuse it. Luckily, the moods change so quickly that the episodes often end themselves just with time. If I'm able to lock myself away or take pills and put myself to sleep, a couple hours later, I'm often doing better.

And then, of course, you've read my blog, Adrie. You know I get really down on myself and feel very guilty following any type of episode or meltdown. There's of course the fear that someone is going to abandon me, but there's also this negative voice like, they SHOULD abandon you; look at yourself.

I have absurdly intense, passionate relationships with a lot of people. I'm not referring to just sexual or romantic relationships, but even friendships. I seem to bring out the maximum level of intensity in people, and I know that I'm the issue, because it happens with my relationships with sexual partners, friends, professors, bosses, group members from class, family members, etc...

Every single relationship I have ends up being an exhausting rollercoaster of ups and downs, and this shit happens so fast. I can go from not knowing someone to having absolutely explosive fights with them within days.

As for your daughter, I obviously don't know her and couldn't say if that's what she's experiencing. I will say that the way people would sum me up is "too much". I can't even quantify the number of times I've heard, "Jesus christ, Charlie, you're too much." It's an incredibly intense psychological disorder. And it's intense for everyone- not just the person suffering from BPD.

Best,

Charlie


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