Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Charlie ~ There is a lot of similarities between how you describe your internal conflicts to what I figured out with my mother. Although, for her, that guilt manifests into lies and creating division between people so that they will not exchange truths and to further make sure they cling to her proving to her how important she is. She actually burned all bridges with people in this area, so sold everything and moved. She found a new husband with money and filled his head with lies. She made the mistake of trying to contact me again. I did not know which one of the 10 or so Facebook pages she actually used, so I contacted her husband to pass on the message that there would be a restraining order if she attempted any further and explained why. Apparently, from what I'm understanding, this encouraged her new husband to do research and now they are separated.

If she were as you described how you deal with the guilt and how you try to understand yourself to be better, then I would be encouraging her, and doing my part to help her be better. Like you, BPD manifested through trauma, because she was raped by her father and brothers most of her upbringing. I spent a lot of years, forgiving her for her actions due to this understanding, but there came a time when I realized she had chosen not to get better and that I have to protect myself.

In my opinion, the fact that you take ownership and are doing what you can to better yourself (The best you can) puts you in a different category than my mother. Sometimes I feel weird writing about my mother because I don't want you to think that I have an assumption with all those with BPD. Everyone is unique and it manifested in my mother much differently than you. Changing our schema is hard, especially when it is hardwired that way during childhood trauma, so I think the fact that you are trying and facing those demons makes you amazingly strong.


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