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 |  A support forum for writers dealing with mental illness |
At what age did you first notice you might have a mental health issue? Did you know then that it was a mental health issue? Did you just feel different than others? Can you think of a specific 'triggering moment' for your mental health issues? Was there a particular instance that made you feel as though you'd sort of broken off mentally? As an adult, what memories and mental health issues do you carry on from childhood? Since I was little, I always felt different. To the point that I was so afraid to WALK UP THE STEPS TO THE BUS... and cried hysterically until my mom/dad drove me to and from school every day. I was literally afraid to walk up the steps. I was afraid of everything. I learned later I have generalized anxiety disorder which also links in with social anxiety but yeah, I always had it. Around 16 17 I started seeing mental health specialists but it's crazy becauase it started as me drug seeking... and I'd go there and come up with these ellaberate stories and lies about these problems I was having when in reality I could have just told the damn truth and gotten the same or BETTER medication then I was. Looking back I see how ridiculous it all was plus I had this doctor thinking all sorts of crazy stuff. Well it back fired because I lost my liscense indefinitely because of it... haven't driven in 11 years now because of that doctor. smh But yes I have ALWAYS felt different. Always. Always. Always. When my mom died I started really losing it. I was using drugs enough to kill a horse. I was cutting. I didn't care about life or myself. I was sleeping around like it was nothing. Just doing off the wall ridiculous shit. I hitchhiked from Florida to California and then was homeless in California for a few years when I had a home in New Jersey with my father. I had a safe place to go and live with food and shelter and a shower but I didn't want that. I didn't know what I wanted. I was quite frankly losing my mind. Looking back I don't regret that trip because I needed it in many ways. Do I regret how it ended? [being pimped out by some asshole for years] yes. but I learned and experienced so many things. There 100% was a point when I was broken off mentally. Those few years dealing with that pimp broke me like you wouldn't believe. I just remember at one point I was at his sisters house outside late at night crying hyterically looking at the stars in the sky talking out loud to first my mom [who was passed away] and then it turned into God I guess who by the way I'm Atheist.. so that doesn't happen with me but I remember at first I started saying the serenity prayer {God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference} I started saying it over and over and eventually it was me screaming it over and over in these peoples backyard and the entire neighborhood had to have heard me but I didn't care I was literally broken and felt so alone on the otherside of the country with not a friend or family member around and I was with this abusive scumbag pimp who wouldn't let me talk to anyone if it didn't involve money for HIM. It was just miserable. I'm honestly surprised I didn't kill him or myself. I carry on social anxiety and just anxiety as a whole and depression!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Re: TotW: Philosophize Yourself! · 01-10-19 11:23am 
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