Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Hey all

I struggled a long time thinking about if I wanted to join this group because I had never needed or wanted to share my personal struggles. I knew everyone had something they were dealing with, so I figured whatever I was dealing with couldn't be that bad and I didn't want to come off as a complainer Recently though, I've started to have this nagging feeling of isolation in my own head. Like there is this build up of stuff that needs an outlet. When I first learned of this group, I was so comforted that it existed. Interactions online are so often guarded and fake, it was reassuring to see a group like this form. Kudos to you, Charlie ~ That is what ultimately pushed me to take the leap and join.

I'd also been a little intimidated by how articulate and considerate you all are when speaking of your own mental health and the struggles others are facing. I doubted my own self awareness and grace, which further dissuaded me from joining this group. I thought that whatever I had to say would not only have been said before, but said before with so much more clarity and honesty, that there was no point in my adding my own voice at all. Of course, that's just self doubt talking, which I am learning to overcome by trusting myself more.

So, I guess I should say something about myself. Right off the bat, I've never been diagnosed with anything and have always been the "good girl" with no problems in school and now a job I like and a home complete with a loving dog and boyfriend. My life is fulfilling and satisfying, which made me feel guilty when I was struggling. What right did I have to complain about my life or say anything about my "struggles" when I knew others had it so much worse? I'm learning to accept now that we all travel our own paths and diminishing your own challenges because someone else's are worse isn't healthy for your own mental state. So I'm looking to practice that now

The mental thing that's at the forefront of my mind right now is anxiety, chiefly associated with work and being overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure with high expectations, many people relying on me to do a good job, and hefty stakes if I fail. Lately, this has been giving me mini panic attacks that lead to increasing negative feelings about my self worth and the belief that it would be better for everyone if I either quit my job, or no longer existed. "I can't do it" is the constant mantra going in my head at that point. I'll probably talk about this more later because right now, the only reason I have enough time to write this, is because the major meeting that was stressing me out happened yesterday, and today I have the day off to relax and catch up on things that make me happy.

As for "baggage" from my past, I made several poor choices regarding sex and drugs and purposefully involving myself in situations where I wouldn't have the power to remove myself when I stopped liking what was happening. That two year period is behind me now, and I used to place a lot of blame on other people, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I literally asked for those things to happen, and I may have thought it was fun or easy in the moment, but never realized that the memories and fear would linger long after.

Thankfully, I am with a man now who is more than understanding of my past experiences, and it helps too that he has his own baggage. He is a recovering meth addict, sober for 14 years, and I am so proud of him and the life he's built from that low point in his life. Being his support is healing for me as well. We live in a drug-free, alcohol-free house by our own choice, which is something I never knew I needed, but makes me feel safe from myself. I feel blessed every day to have found him.

Well, I think I've rambled on far long enough here. I don't know how involved I'll be able to commit to being with regard to the challenges and the weekly prompts, but I'll try to pop in now and again

Take care all!
-Emily