Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Lol This is exactly why it's so nice when people share, because you find so many people who can actually relate. This is also something I love about Charlie ~ because it was his blog and openness about his own struggles that I felt comfortable enough to join and share myself. Plus he's a great friend. He checked on me when I feel off the face of the earth for awhile and despite struggling with his own shit he cared enough to reach out when I was really hurting.

I feel the same way you do, that my issues aren't so bad. Yes they are debilitating to me personally but I see my own families members struggling much worse than me. They have paranoid Schizophrenia, can barely be of use to society, can't be of use to their own families, let alone be of use to themselves. As a matter of fact, my aunt went missing from her boyfriends car at a walmart for 3 days. They just found her the other day wandering along the freeway. She's been off her meds for awhile (she didn't want to mix her pills and alcohol- so she chose the alcohol) and doing heavy drugs with her boyfriend. What they can gather from her screams every time someone touches her, is that she was raped and abused by multiple people. Held down by one person and had something done to her by some woman that she can't even articulate.

But here I am crying myself to sleep because I had anxiety so bad that I literally could not take my kids to the park 20 feet from my house because the thought of them falling and hurt themselves frightened me s badly that I'd have huge panic attacks. Before kids I couldn't even leave my own home because the anxiety of "What if" paralyzed me. I'd run every possible worst case scenario through my head to determine my possibilities of survival while driving-- yet my husband will tell you I'm an awesome fucking driver. My mind was consumed with this constant 24/7 though. I'd go to work and cry and talk to myself in the car for 30 minutes to "prepare" myself for working with the public and working with my direct boss all alone all day in a pharmacy. The very thought of having to deal with pissed off customers and rude ass people I don't know who yell at me about their drugs and insurance problems and everything else had me freaked out. Hell a coworker got spit on. I got screamed at by a man in wheelchair with 500 gold rings on one hand and starbucks in the other because he had to pay $1 for his medication. Yet my boss would tell you I have the best smile and customer service skills she's ever seen.

Couple that with a past of emotional and sexual abuse (though, as I still continue to think: not as bad as some others have had it) and you got a whirlwind of a storm going on in my attic.

No, I don't look mentally ill and technically I can function normally with people. My husband loves me unconditionally and handles my panic attacks, sleepless nights, mood swings, and in my younger days-- fits of rage. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, the kids are spoiled, I'm spoiled, so what do I have to complain about? I have pretty much everything that my other family members don't. So... how dare I whine about my problems, right? I too, am literally what my grandmother calls "the good child" since I've turned out so "well". Views from the outside are pretty sometimes, but what's going on "in the house" isn't always so pretty, catch my drift?

But reading Charlie ~ blog and once I joined, reading past posts, helped me realize that there are so many of us struggling with crap at all levels and we all just need someone to listen and understand and relate in some way without comparison. We all recognize we're a little fucked up and not only is it ok, but we share in a passion of writing to express ourselves, beautifully. Blog, stories, poems, whatever.

I hope you'll continue to share and feel comfortable around here. Every story is important whether a doctor gave your issues an official title or not.

I had a bunch of other stuff to say too but it's time to put the kids to bed I look forward to getting to know you!