Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Many people with mental illness struggle with personal control. From anger management to impulse control issues to a general lack of motivation, let's talk about our own control issues.

Questions to think about:
What are some self-control issues you've struggled with? Anger? Impulsive behaviors? Focus? Motivation?

I have both an amazing sense of self control and not at the same time. It all depends on my "mood". Usually my problem is I don't WANT to have self control in some situations because I'm enjoying the emotional ride a bit too much. That being said I have self control issues in all areas.

Anger is a go to emotion no matter what I'm feeling. I've mentioned in other posts that it was the only acceptable emotion growing up. So it's automatic when any emotion wells up and overwhelms me. Then I spend hours digging through the anger to figure out what exactly I'm truly feeling. It's always a long process and most people aren't patient enough to sift through it with me. Luckily I have some great friends in my life now that understand and help me through.

I can be very impulsive, especially if it satisfies an emotional need. I'm an emotional creature and this is how I can easily be controlled and manipulated. No one is currently doing that but it's just a truth that shows you how I work mentally. But if there is a situation that satisfies an emotional need, I will go to the ends of the earth to make it happen. I recognize that I'm being impulsive and why, but I don't usually care as long as I know it won't come back to bite me in the ass in someway. So I'm impulsive, but I'm smart about it, usually.

Focus... omg I'm usually all over the place and can only focus when my obsessive tendencies come into play, even then it's not a guarantee. I have very little control over my focus and am usually doing multiple things at once so that I can allow my brain to bounce back and forth as it desires. I will play a video game, have wdc open on my computer for one task, and wdc open on my phone for an email or while writing a poem, etc.

Motivation is one thing I don't have unless once again, my obsessive tendencies come into play. I'm not motivated to do anything anymore that does not bring me some sort of satisfaction on one level or another. I spent most of my life pleasing others and sacrificing my own desires and time to make them happy. In my mind, it's now my turn. So I've turned into a bit of a spoiled brat at home with having my basic needs tended to by my husband and mother. I did it all for many many years without help or appreciation, so now I let my husband mainly handle the household chores and responsibilities. I still handle the finances and pay the bills and handle the back office work for the children and their needs and all the medical stuff. But as far as laundry, dishes, and meals. Nope, not motivated at all. I played Cinderella long enough. I need a fucking break. I recognize that I'm spoiled though and make sure I appreciate their efforts.

Are there any warning signs or triggers that you're going to have a lapse in self control?

I can usually sense when my emotions are going to overwhelm me and cause a lack of self control. Since I play the "what if" game constantly in my mind, I usually already know what will lead me down that path, it's just a matter of if I feel like losing self control will benefit me somehow or hurt me. Sometimes even knowing the pain will happen isn't a deterrent if I feel the satisfaction aspect is worth the consequences. Which is where I currently am in a particular situation in my life. I know its going to hurt like hell in the end but currently I'm way too happy with the emotional high I'm experiencing and the benefits it provides me.


What actions have you taken to regulate your emotions or regain control of yourself? What has worked and what hasn't?


Oh, I have an off switch I know I can activate if I find myself too out of control. I created that years ago during a spiral downward after a miscarriage we experienced while trying to have kids. It took a long time of working with mental control and visualizations to be able to turn off the emotional faucet and regain control of my mental faculties.

The problem is when I flip that switch I can become too detached from my emotions and shut out way more than I intended. Avoiding certain things is also a way to regain self control, but once again I have to really want the end result. Like quitting smoking. When I really wanted to quit I could do it cold turkey and fight my urges quite easily. I quit during all of my pregnancies but always "wanted" to go back because I enjoyed the pleasure of it. Until i was sick of the filthy habit and decided I was done. Then I simply just quit. That;s not to say I don't fight urges internally but I can detach myself from those urges if needed which makes it easier to fight. Once again, I have to REALLY want to stop/quit/end whatever it is in order to be able to accomplish this otherwise my lack of self control takes over eventually if there's no true long term consequence.