Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I don't have any temper issues. As a matter of fact, an individual who has pissed me off is most likely to get silence from me, rather than a raging temper. If someone yells at me, I freeze and don't hear much of what comes out of their mouth. Besides, I have a quiet voice and my yelling is pretty much what other people's normal voices are, so they wouldn't even know I was yelling...lol.

When someone has a problem with me, I am actually quick to take their side, rather than defend myself. Self-blame comes way too easily for me. Something could happen miles away and I'll find a way it is my fault.

I've gotten a little better with this over the past couple of years, but I attribute that to the emotional support I have in my life. My boyfriend actually stops me from taking responsibility where I am not responsible. When my boyfriend and I had our first disagreement and I automatically caved into self-blame, he told me, "You know it is alright to disagree. I didn't get with you because I wanted someone to control. I got with you because I wanted my equal." He's always reminding me that my voice is important.

Don't take me wrong. I quickly defend those I love, like my children, but it is my natural instinct to blame myself to do so. Like, my oldest daughter can do something totally shitty to someone and I'll say "Please don't be mad at her, it is my fault." No wonder my oldest daughter blames me for everything, no matter what it is. Her father treats her like shit. It is my fault. She makes a mistake. It is my fault. She has a problem with drugs. It is my fault.

Stepping away from my oldest daughter for this past year or so has helped me to realize that my daughter learned to manipulate me through this defect. Like her father, she learned that she could easily guilt me to her will. She even uses the same belittling language her father used towards me while she was growing up.

I've gotten a lot better with this though. I've been stopping myself from blaming myself as much. Learning the difference between self-loathing and humility has been a long journey, but I've improved greatly.

One of my issues sometimes, depending on my mental state, is lack of motivation. This lack of motivation manifests in various forms, like a lack of motivation to defend myself when I know I'm right to talking myself out of working towards an achievement. Then sometimes when I'm in a healthier mindset I can go to the opposite extreme when someone tells me I'm not capable of doing something. In rebellion, I'll do it just to show them they are wrong.









** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"