Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Tee hee. Boy did I stir a hornets nest. How very unusual for me. Charity, you don't know me, so you have no clue why I wrote this but I am going to try to explain it best I can before I leave the group. I knew there'd be some controversy, but I wanted to have a conversation. Charlie and I have always been able to communicate openly and I see no reason why we cannot continue to do that, here, where it involves everyone else anyway. I mean a person leaving the group after a seemingly little thing affects the other members. I thank you Brooke for your support and offer to speak with you privately! That's very nice of you. But I am not ashamed and shouldn't be bringing the group down with my words, so I'll stay here. You are appreciated . I'm glad Charlie has help running this now! Ya'all will help to grow the group in many ways. Smart move, Charlie

This has very little to do with prizes. It's not a carnival. But it sparked something inside me. Indeed, I am the one to give out MBs and prizes, that is something I have done here since I first joined in 2002. I have a long history on the site, and it's best explained in my Whata Ride static, which I am not linking as I am NOT self promoting. But groups and their dynamics are nothing new to me, and I've ran successful groups in the farrrr distant past. I understand many of the tasks necessary for Charlie to complete for it to be a success. With the members, of course. And lookit the Quills nom! It should win.

I wasn't aware of the big issue with a few lines thrown in pithily. I really wasn't. Totally cool with all that is said about that. Taking it seriously so everyone can get better. This was always about me, I was trying to understand why I was upset. I'm very, very, very rarely upset. Especially about anything WdC related. This is my utopia! But I was pondering introspectively, as I often do in here, trying to put the puzzle pieces together. I have to know WHY I do or don't do things. I'm hard on myself, but I understand my limitations. Many don't and couldn't possibly, especially if they don't know my circumstances. As could be said for all of us.

Because while you all work on your diagnoses and issues through your blogging, I was trying to do the same—I was. Hard. Same with Norb's 30 day blogging, which I did speak to him about, and also told him I thought it was a shame we couldn't get a badge for 30 good (not two sentences!) blogs in a month. I actually thought there was an option to BUY a badge, lol, but didn't ask him about that. I forgot to. Because I don't normally finish things. My energy is too low. Anyways, I assumed even though I suffer from nothing more than a light depression, my past experiences (psychotic break, mania, massive depression) (and the schizophrenia and massive depression in my family) were enough to make me feel like I belonged. But, it isn't the same. You guys are dealing with these issues on a daily basis, and I am dealing with something so much different. And some of you also have physical issues that are egregious, like me, but for the most part this is a mental health group that appropriately deals in the present tense: my shit's in the past. The mental crapola of mine is nothing compared to yours, not because I am less a person, but because it happened long ago and I deal with it through poetry more than blogging, actually. It's got to be much worse dealing with it presently.

Am I normal? No. But my issues have physical origins. Medications. Hormones. Things that most of you who responded have said you are trying to address through your blogging, so it will help the community to understand you better while helping you to heal and to deal better. But I won't ever get better. I'm as improved as I'm gonna get. There is no amount of blogging that will help anything to go away, because I am fucked physically—my body is a wreck, it always will be, and I am left to deal with it the best I can. Which includes energy conservation big time! My efforts here have not been in vain, and I've always mentioned how grateful I am. I am! But I've gone as far as I can, done the best I can, and I now need to turn back to my medical writing and researching and even my poetry, wherein I can educate others: this is what gives my life more purpose and makes me feel better. There's only so many things you cannot do until you start feeling like a failure. I need to leave to work on the things I can do to help myself

So, I still think the blogging challenges are stingy with EXCLUSIVE MERIT BADGES. Not regular ones, not GPS, not attaboys, Charlie. Just talking about the exclusives. I am obviously in the minority here. Because I've won contests that were easier for me, personally, than these competitions and challenges. Not writing them, but finishing them! Which means I have an opinion, I expressed it, and as Brooke was intimating (by my interpretation) it really is getting a bit complicated around here rules-wise. My brain doesn't get rules so well, so I am willing to bet it's mostly me. It's not ALL ME, but it's likely mostly me. Sorry to have upset you Charlie and Charity, but this shouldn't matter when you feel you're doing right by the group and the group agrees. Or at least, nobody else is complaining about this issue.

The rest is all about me. Sorry it took such a public post for me to get through my emotions and the facts and find out why I feel like I don't belong here. But let's face it, I don't. I could squeeze in more, sure, make myself fit—but I don't do that. I go off on my own, or find another place that more matches my needs. This isn't what I need. I have more respect for you all than you will ever know, and I've done my best to show that in your blogs, the ones I've gotten to, or in personal correspondence. I just need something different, as Charity caught onto—this is all about me, not you. Except that I still think the exclusive MB awarding is too strict. Lol. I agree with everything else, but I gotta admit, my brain isn't rightly understanding the new rules: each task in your blog in one post, right? But also within the forum here in separate posts, as well? I thought it was all in one post in the forum to make it easier

Again, sorry I had to figure this out publicly, but I not ashamed of it because it isn't my fault, per se, it's my brain's cognitive deficits and my own focus on at least feeling better mentally. And that I wasn't aware of the ORIGIN of my sour grapes until I posted, read your responses, and realized this isn't helping me. And if I am vilified for it, so be it. You can throw rotten tomatoes at me, I can take it. There's no reason to hide, or to 'simmer down'. I'm not crying, my pulse isn't even elevated (big deal with adrenal failure ha ha) and neither should yours be. But you are you, and I am me. We are all so wonderfully different! I respect every one of you, even if I barely know you or haven't read through your ports. Sometimes enlightenment sucks: this is one of those times. But I leave also in good cheer knowing some of you may understand, although being understood has never been my focus—I try to understand others more. I try hard. This once, I need some understanding, but I don't expect it. I'll keep working on it!

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings Char. That wasn't my intention. I was harsh. I forget you are nicer than me. I can be a blurter. So it's nothing you did wrong. Run this group how you see fit of course, straight into the sunset of QuillsLand

I am deleting myself from the group now so as not to cause more drama that is unnecessary. I won't get your replies. I feel this was necessary, and my email inbox is more than willing to catch your rotten tomotoes and replies. I am not running from you all! Rather I am but taking myself out of the equation so you may continue your healing as I do the same

~Adrie

(succinct posts I have tried at and failed; sorry for the length but it's how I am when it's important)