Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Recovery

I see this word and immediately think of getting better. I'm very confused when it comes to this matter; Sometimes I want to get better and actually start planning my life, I start thinking about the things that I want for this lifetime instead of thinking about what I could be in the next. Then I think about how hope has always been my worst enemy and go back to my familiar misery.

There's a saying in my language," Ithemba alibulali, qha liyadanisa." It means " Hope does not kill, it disappoints." That is it's literal meaning. Now, I think this saying to many people is encouraging, motivating even. To me though, this saying is a warning, to not dare hope, because to me disappointment is worse than death.

I don't dare hope that I could ever get better, for fear that I will only get worse trying to get better. The anxiety does not help matters any. My biggest challenge is living. Getting better means going out there and living my life , but I feel trapped in this box of my own making, one which I both want to leave and stay in forever.

Am I horrible for loving my chains??

I don't know if I'll ever recover and I don't dare hope.