Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

If I’m honest things are not going well these days. The thought that things would be improving have kept me stumbling on through the last eight years. There’s been no improvement though, and that carrot has become a rather withered thing that is really not worth chasing.

It’s not that I don’t try. Every day I get up with the idea of having a ‘good’ day. I don’t have high expectations – a ‘good’ day would be one where there were no problems, no rows, no threats. I have had a constant battle with depression throughout my life; now I am battling the depression and problems of my sons. It would be so easy to walk away, but I can’t. No matter what level of parent abuse is aimed my way, I won’t leave. (This is abuse OF parents, not BY parents.)

Accomplishments? Well, apart from getting up every day, not much.

I think that there is an increased awareness in mental health issues; people are definitely more likely to speak out about their problems than they were before. The only downside to this is that not everyone is understanding or supportive. You can open up to the wrong person – and there are still plenty out there, believe me.

I’ve never had lots of friends, but these days I am very isolated. There is no one that I can go and talk to, no one who’s shoulder I can cry on. Not in my ‘real’ life. I do have a couple of online friends I can turn to – in some ways that only makes me more aware of how much of a misfit I am... how ‘outside’ of everything.

Writing is the only thing that keeps me going. It is the only way I can keep in touch with who I am, what I think. Without sites such as this, I’m not sure that I’d have the ability to exist any more.

And I’m sorry this was such a ‘down’ piece, but I want to be honest, and this is where I am at.