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Apr 19, 2020 at 10:39am
#3339998
Re: For exercise-Meridith at Twenty Years Old

Writing Exercise for the FSFS ▼


Hi Randy Ames

This is my critique of your scene.




What you've given us is more snippet than a scene. It needs fleshing out re: point 2. The dialogue is floating in a void. Only the brief mention of "Jess wiping the gray bar rag across the burnished wood counter." and the paragraph at the end let the reader know the dialogue is taking place in a tavern. When writing for an audience, authors need to remember readers can't know what is in your head - what the setting looks like, unless you create images for them on the page.


Also, with regards to point 1, what is on the page is being told to us via the author's point of view, not the protagonist's. To write using the close third-person POV you need to avoid using filter words and phrases like: looked/looking, had the impression, smelled, heard, felt etc.


There was an instance of passive writing - Her clenched fist was forcing water out of the bar rag. Also, since the rest of the piece is in the past tense, this switch to the present tense jarred. My suggestion - Her clenched fist forced water out of the bar rag.



If you want to do some more work on this exercise, I will be happy to look at it again. *Smile*

If you need a pointer for the kind of thing you need to do, take a look at my scenes - "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.




*Heart* Keep writing and have fun! *Delight*

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MESSAGE THREAD
For exercise-Meridith at Twenty Years Old · 04-16-20 6:07pm
by Randy Ames Author IconMail Icon
*Star* Re: For exercise-Meridith at Twenty Years Old · 04-19-20 10:39am
by A E Willcox Author IconMail Icon
Re: Re: For exercise-Meridith at Twenty Years Old · 04-20-20 3:23am
by Tobber Author IconMail Icon

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