You sir have done a stupendous job with this latest addition! It builds rather slow but then you start getting questions in your mind about what's happening to Will and suddenly that bomb is dropped. Would definitely love to see this continue. The two branches in the fifth chapter bring to mind incredibly interesting, differing outcomes that I'd want to see where they lead.
Also, I love your interpretation of Dorothy! Gives a new layer to her character by tweaking existing information on her. While I'd love to see her get fleshed out more in future, this was a really clever way of getting that done.
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