Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Firemen"   by Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked the way the two characters meshed with the plot and the theme. This is a nice story!

                                                             
Opening
You begin with action, which is always good. You establish the initial POV and name your characters, always a challenge with a first person narrator. You establish the basic plot--the band's debut performance. These are all to the good.

The only thing that's missing is the location. Eventually, we learn that they are in a garage, when his mother comes out to complain about the noise. That also establishes their age, older teens still living at home. My only suggestion is insert some bit of description early on about the setting. Maybe the garage door is open and his Mom's car is sitting in the driveway. Or the garage door is closed and the place smells of gasoline and grass trimmings from the lawnmower. It would be nice to get another sense, like smell, into the opening. That would also help to get us in Dan's head.

                                                             
Plot
We see from the outset that Dan's got an ego problem as the band prepares for its big debut. It's all about him, not his bandmates.

The opening in Dan's head hints at Ryan's insecurities, but we see those clearly in the next scene, in his POV.

This clearly establishes the goals, stakes, and obstacles for both characters, and ties them to the plot--the success or failure of the band's premier.

This is really awesome plotting and characterization.

                                                             
Hook
Ordinarily a "hook" refers to the ending of a chapter--to "hook" the reader into flipping to the next page. Here, though, the hook is in the opening conflict between Dan and Ryan and the tension induced by their expectations for their premier. So the hook in this case is in the opening, and it's really effective.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Two first person narratives, alternating between Dan and Ryan.

                                                             
Referencing
Modern era, where Fleetwood Mac is from the Jurassic.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
In the intro and later, when the truncated band arrives at the restaurant, you do a good job establishing the location and orienting the reader.

But the start of that section, where Ryan announces "Dan has no idea..." is basically a disembodied voice speaking to the reader. Where is Ryan when he's thinking this? Later, it seems it's the next day and he's having breakfast. So...you might consider launching with him doing chores in the barn and singing to the cows and the cat--which would let you have him doing something and also sensing things like the smell of the barn. That gives him occasion to have the thoughts that launch the section. He might even find a linkage between the barn smells and Dan's BS.

Later, he could rush back to the house for the morning video conference...and the rest follows. In any case, I'd launch by orienting the reader at least to the extent that he's back on the farm and it's the next day.

In passing, I noticed that you changed fonts as you alternated between the two POVs in addition to the normal centered stars. That should help the reader to distinguish the POV switch, although it might also be distracting. I lean toward thinking it helps with clarity.

It's tricky in a piece this short to have two POV characters, but I think you pulled it off. It works mostly because of the way the two characters, their character arcs, and the plot mesh so perfectly.

                                                             
Characters
Dan's transition from a narcissistic jerk to a friend seemed a bit abrupt to me. Ryan, in contrast, is likable throughout and his transition, including his avowed loyalty to his buddy, seemed genuine. If this story has a fault, it's in Dan's sudden acceptance of Ryan's talent and agreeing to share the starring role. True, he's thinking in terms of leaching off of Ryan's nascent stardom, which makes is a bit more credible...but it also doesn't make him any more likable. Not that he has to be likable...but given the theme, you kind of want the band the band to come together at the end.

                                                             
Grammar
This looked like clean copy to me. GOod job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I really liked this story. The characters, the character arcs, the plot, and the overall structure worked together really well. Other than the nitpicks about orienting the readers noted above, it flows well and the wordsmithing shows a mastery of craft.

I didn't find anything to kvetch about in line-by-line comments. Overall, a great job!! Good luck in the contest!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Good job--nothing for me to whine about!!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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