Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Survivor"   by 🐕GeminiGem🎁
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
OMG, who wouldn't love this story!!! Sure, Colby Jack is a dog, but his doggie personality comes through in all its innocence and love for his Momma and Poppa. Of course, he's my favorite part of this story.

                                                             
Opening
This isn't exactly a story with here-and-now; it's more clearly a narrative of Colby Jack's life history. If he were a human person (as opposed to a doggie person), we'd be sitting across from him while we'd hear the tale in his voice. In this story, we hear the tale in his doggie voice, with his doggie understandings and interpretations. The opening does a great job establishing this premise and his voice.

My only suggestion is to maybe add a paragraph break after the third sentence. The first three sentences introduce him, while the fourth launches the narrative of his life, so it's a natural break.

I do have possible thing to add--but I'll save that for later.

                                                             
Plot
This is a rags-to-riches story, a fairy tale come true with a happy ending. It's almost like Cinderella, with the rescue people being the like the fairy god mother and Prince Charming being Momma and Poppa. It's a great take on the classic meme, and should resonate well with your readers.

                                                             
Hook
If the opening three sentences didn't hook me (they did), then the pictures would have done so. You might consider putting the final picture at the top of the story, where he introduces himself. I can just imaging letting him sniff my hand his little tail wagging.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Colby Jack's voice comes through--anthropomorphized, to be sure, but it's clear.

I have only one suggestion on this. Dog's get a LOT more information from scent than humans--they live in a world of smells. In Dragon Tears, Dean Koontz has an entire chapter in a dog's point of view. His dog keeps getting distracted by smells because they are so interesting. So, my suggestion might be too add a few more references to scent. At the beginning, for example, you might imagine his reaction to sniffing the reader's fingers--although that might complicate the opening.

Another place might be where he's exploring his new home. It might smell so interesting that he forgets where Momma is at and follows his nose back to sniff her hand and see her smile.

It's certainly not necessary to do this, but Koontz's chapter is so effective (I know..."Koontz" and "effective" don't usually go together) that it's worth considering.

                                                             
Grammar
I think I found one thing to whine about, grammar-wise. See the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I really enjoyed this piece. After his miserable life in the puppy mill, Colby Jack finds a happy home and the good life all dogs deserve. THis really brightened my day. Thanks for sharing

BTW, I'm more of a cat person, but I once share my home with a chihuaha named Pixel. She was the most loving little puppy ever, and I still miss her.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
This story doesn't really need any changes, and certainly not anything substantial. What follows are all nitpicks you can surely disregard--or use, if they fit with your goals.

There was fear, pain, hunger, and misery every day.My Comment: I tend to beware of sentences where the primary verb is a form of “to be.” Here, I’d consider making the fear, pain, hunger, and misery active by saying, for example, they “filled” every day. Also, a corollary to the “rule of three” is that lists longer than three tend to feel run-on, while lists of three have a kind of natural rhythm to them. Perhaps if you said the first three “filled every day with misery,” then you’d have a list of three things filling days with the fourth, summary item, namely misery. Just a thought.

A volunteer came into my kennel[,] and got me, and took me to the lady.My Comment: Suggested edit for the compound predicate.

always keeping track of my new momma. My Comment: This is so heartwarming…maybe expand this a bit, and make it clear he’s exploring, then scampering back to make sure she’s really still there?

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net