"Yep! The very first!"
"Aren't you supposed to at least test stuff like this on rats or something?
Dr. Tarpinian smirked. "Normally we would but lately animal testing has been a nightmare for PR, so with low-risk, non-critical studies such as this one, the department has opted to bypass it entirely. And don't worry, it won't kill you, Conrad."
I apprehensively took the bowl and spoon and wrapped my lips around the substance.
Story checked out. I wasn't dead.
"So?" Dr. Tarpinian asked excitedly. "What do you think?"
I swirled the spoonful of Substance 7 around in my mouth before swallowing.
"You know, this isn't half bad!"
I went in for another bite, taking less time to consume this one.
"It kind of tastes like better soy milk, to be honest"
"Fascinating!" Dr. Tarpinian said while scribbling down some notes. "Does it go down easily?"
I took another, bigger bite. "Yeah. Much easier than ice cream or frozen yogurt."
"I see. If your test run continues I plan on experimenting with different flavors and consistencies."
I took yet another bite and nodded. "Yeah, I can see eating this." I motioned my bowl towards Dr. Tarpinian. "Want some?"
"For the purposes of this study, you are the only person who can consume Substance 7 until the initial test run is concluded." Dr. Tarpinian explained.
"Ah, gotcha." I scraped the last bit of the goop from my bowl and gobbled it up. "More please?"
"Oh of course! Eat up as much as you want!" Dr. Tarpinian giddily said. She took the bowl from me and waddled over to the vat to ladle more into the bowl.
"How long do you think my trial will go on for?" I asked.
"I can't say for sure, but a ballpark estimate would be from eight months to a year, so I hope you're hungry." She waddled back and returned the bowl.
I tucked in upon regaining the bowl.
---
About fifteen minutes later Dr. Tarpinian led me down the lab corridor to a medical room.
"Alright, before we continue I'm going to have to run a few basic tests. Nothing extreme, just things you'd normally get done before a doctor's appointment."
She looked at the scale in the room. "Let's see if this still works."
Dr. Tarpinian got onto the scale.
"Three hundred and eight pounds." The scale read aloud.
"Sounds about right" Dr. Tarpinian said and frowned. The heavyset doctor got off the scale, took out a pen, and was ready to write on a clipboard. "Now if you would, can you climb into the scale? Don't worry about taking off your shoes, the scale factors that additional weight out."
I did what was asked of me.
"One hundred and fifty seven pounds." The scale read aloud.
---
After weighing myself, the doc took my blood pressure, drew some blood, and some other pretty mundane medical work.
After taking a cotton swab from inside my cheek, it looks like we were wrapping up.
"Alright, looks like you're done here, Conrad." Anne Tarpinian said.
"Really? I've only been at the lab for just over an hour."
"Well, it's only your first day so I figured you might as well take it easy." The doc said and smiled at me.
"Oh! Before I forget," she pulled out a card. "I doubt this will happen but if you have a delayed allergic reaction from Substance 7 call this number."
I looked at the card. "Shouldn't I call 911?"
"If you want to live, call the number on this card." She teased. "Oh, and one last thing, Conrad. Just call me Anne from now on."
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