The man came real close and smiled at Tan. "Tan, I presume?" asked the man.
"Yes, that's me," replied Tan. "What is it regarding?"
"Tan, I think there are a few misunderstandings. First, Aruna's parents didn't abandon her when she was a babe. They gave her a mandolin when she was twelve, so it could only be sometime later that they were lost to her. You should have read the first chapter carefully."
"Oh," acknowledged Tan.
"Second," continued the man, "You need to make up your mind. Are you and your siblings living inside the city, or outside it? Aruna has always lived inside the city because it's too dangerous to go outside. So are you outside just for a trip or have you always lived outside? If the former, it's not clear from what is written. If the latter, how could you have ever adopted Aruna?"
Tan was speechless.
"Look," apologised the man, "I hate to spoil things for you, but you just need to get certain things right. Just because this is a fantasy story... doesn't mean anything goes. There just seem too many... problems. Here's one more yet. Are you named Gwen or Tan? Are Gwen and Tan two persons or the same person? It's not clear to me from what is written. Presumably they're two persons. And presumably you're Tan, since these four rather loveable creatures are your adopted offspring, whereas Gwen was supposed to be their biological mother. But if so, where has she gone? I haven't found any explanation. Maybe she had always lived inside the city, and threw them out of the city when they were born because she was horrified to have given birth to what she thought were monsters, and then you, who have presumably always lived outside the city, found and adopted them? Okay, that would be a workable storyline, but I found no such thing."
"Well..." stuttered Tan.
"One last thing. Isn't it kinda funny that you and your darlings never once mentioned Aruna? Okay, maybe you're Tan and not Gwen, so you wouldn't have known Aruna, but as I said this was never pointed out. And even then, couldn't something be said about Gwen? Is she still alive anymore? Is Aruna still living with her?"
Tan just looked blankly at the man. Her four adopted siblings stood by her side, also staring blankly at the man.
"I'll leave now," said the man. "I could have erased this chapter, but I just... didn't want to... Look, maybe you fellas can go back and... make a better attempt?" :)
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