When we arrived home I was still in that temporal internal state of grief that people usually get after their loved ones depart, as if the only thing that made sense would have been to join them. Still unable to accept this wasn't my fault, and unable to understand why did I resist the virus and they couldn't make it.
Fortunately my girlfriend knew what to do on such cases, and holding my hand guided me through the big house that looked emptier than ever to my bedroom, allowing me to rest and reminding me to let time heal the wound, also letting me know she would stay around in case I needed anything. I looked at her with as much gratefulness I could muster at the moment and she left me alone, knowing the way I usually dealt with stressing situations was with some time for myself.
I tried to stop the mental torture I was subjecting myself to by taking a nap but it didn't work, I ended up just looking at the ceiling and once again failing to understand it was pointless to wonder how different things would have been if we decided to do something else instead of that trip. I also was feeling a mild headache but the physical pain was being completely overridden by the burden of guilt.
Finally I had the energy to stand up and decided I could do with a little walk to try and dispel the negative thoughts. I didn't know why I didn't want Melissa's company when I felt like I could use a shoulder to cry on, but I didn't. Maybe because I felt she already had done enough for me, maybe because my parents loved her too and in my mind that connection didn't help closing the wound. I went to the living room where she was watching TV and told her I would go outside for a bit, she just told me to take care and that she would remain there waiting for me with something to eat when I came back.
The rain had stopped so the cold wind on my face cheered me up a bit and reminded me of the good things I still had, like the fully supportive and trusting girlfriend waiting for me at home, my job, my friends, my parents' friends that would make sure I didn't do anything stupid with all that money and most importantly, all the good memories and lessons of mom and dad that would remain with me for as long as I lived. With my mood finally improving I started to notice the mild but persistant headache, so I started going back home blaming the weather but thinking it was a good tradeoff, getting a headache in exchange for crawling out of that mental pit.
Just about halfway back I stumbled upon Marie, my next door neighbor and one of my best friends that couldn't make it to the funeral due to some commitments she had with her own family. As soon as she saw me she hugged me and offered her condolences again, which further improved my mood providing me that shoulder to cry on I felt was needed. I told her that Melissa was in the house but I felt like I needed some alone time, but she must have figured out the purpose of my trip too because she told me I looked like I needed a friend and invited me to her home if I wanted to talk a bit.
I considered the offer thinking that she was probably right, but I felt bad leaving Melissa alone waiting for me so maybe I should go back or invite Marie to my house instead. On the other hand, I felt another surge of the headache telling me I should probably go and rest, this one felt stronger and I felt a bit dizzy now
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