“What did they feed you at that school?!" my cousin's said in a blunt bitchy manner.
Now, I get it, I’m HUGE to most people and I appreciate the reminders time and again, it’s great! But hearing it spat from my own cousin like this was a bit shocking for me. Normally, I’d managed my own great happy little Buddah, Zen like mind trick for insults like this, basically that the other person was only bitter I was being the bombastic BBW that I was and living well while doing it (ok, well, specifically Budai now there’s a real roll model for a gal like me. And not to say that my fat fists wouldn’t fly when it came down to it, but violence was on the low point on my list of options.) Why get pissed off, when I could get off on remarks on how much of a fatty I was becoming?
With that in mind, since this was Krystal’s first time seeing me in a while, and we’d basically be sharing a house for the foreseeable summer, I decided to let it slide and play dumb towards her insults.
“Well Cuz…they fed me…pretty much everything! Buttercombe had, like, the best cafeteria ever! They had world renowned culinary classes, a build-your own burger-”
“That’s not what I meant ya’ dumb cow! It looks like they fed ya’ from a slop troph! I mean, yall look like ya would explode if you got any fatter! It take two wheelbarrows to roll ya around, seriously, did you not realize how fa-“
Ding!
“Oh! Well the roast is done, let’s say we eat.” Aunt Rhonda suggested quickly, clearly seeing the tension already building already between her niece and her own daughter. We moved to the large kitchen of the house, I waddled last out of the room, my big stomach bouncing out of the room ahead of me, the smells of a southern feast filling my lungs, and my gut, with the hint of the tasty feast to come.
Aunt Rhonda’s cooking did not disappoint. Even with the fact it was the first real home cooked meal I had in days it was fantastic! My aunt was more than happy to pile my plate high with everything she had whipped up, and apparently seemed more than happy to do most of the talking, while I did most of the eating, although I manage to not completely forget all my manners as I was able to give a two syllable answer or a simple grunt now and then between bites.
“So Ted, I mean well your Uncle Ted, I’m sure you remember him, hair in a buzz cut? Glasses?” Asked my Aunt, done with her meager meal, and now eyeing me attentively.
“Mmmph” I affirmed with my mouth full. God this gravy was delicious!
“Anyway, he’s away on another one of his business trip. So it’s probably gonna’ be just us three here for most of the time.”
“Oh, that’s uh…” I gave another grunt of understanding, but didn’t bother to finish, this food was so damn good I just had to have more, more, MORE!
“He’s the bread winner, I’m the bread baker. Hmm Hmm.” She added with a pleasant coo. Her voice dropped an octave lower before she added “Though I don’t really get ta’ cook that much now a days.” giving me a knowing nod to Krystal. I glanced across the table, Krystal looked to have picked through the paltry portions that been on her plate and was now currently buried into her phone. I only continued to gorge myself on warm cornbread, hot ham, and biscuits covered in gravy by the ladleful! Truly I was the jealous one, why had her mom been the great chef?
I was working through my plate of thirds of everything, when Krystal, gave a flick of her long dirty-blonde hair and got up from the table. “Mom I’m headin’ ta Lindsey’s. I’m probally’ gonna’ stay the night. So…”
“Ohh, sweetie ya don’t want to at least be here for yall’ Cousin Mel’s first night?”
Krystal shot a mean look to her own mother and gave a small equivalent of a shrug, as if to say, “Why are you even arguing with me about this?”
In an instant I could tell who was used to having their way around here as her mother quickly backed off the issue. “Ok, well…at least text me when you get there Krystal.”
Krystal gave a minor nod at this show of power, seeing things weren’t going to change all of a sudden just because her nearly four-hundred pound cousin had crashed into their place like a fleshy wayward meteorite.
“See ya cuz” I cut in as she got up from the table. We locked eyes, and I quickly grabbed the brick of cornbread on my plate and wedged as much as I could into my waiting gob as I eyed her back, in a way affirming that; Yes, this was how much I ate as a regular meal, and that, No, I would not be stopping or changing my fattening ways any time soon. Krystal’s mouth opened reflexively out of shock at the sight. Mel 2 – Krystal 0 as far as I was concerned, she managed to eke out a dim “Bye.” before turning in disgust and heading out the front door happily away from what she saw as her embarrassment of a cousin.
Fortunately for me, Krystal’s mother didn’t happen to catch sight of my little stunt, before she turned back around to face me again, (I’d had managed to chug down my second glass of milk to avoid choking.)
More time passed, and my aunt and I caught up some more, and let me tell my stomach felt perfect. Not completely “Omg so full I can’t stand, my gut is at maximum capacity” but I was happily content, in fact maybe a bit too content as I let a tiny burp slip, (okay it was a belch, let’s be honest I was beyond tiny anything anymore.)
“Sorry, I uh” I said my face immediately reddening, after I literally burped in the face of such hospitality.
“Aw, nothin’ to worry about Mel, I’m just glad you liked it. Heck’ ya ate so much I don’t even gotta worry about takin’ care of the leftovers!” My aunt gave a short laugh, and then seemed to catch up on what she just said, her face now reddening a bit. “Oh, I mean, uh, it’s not a bad thing-
“I know what you mean” I assured her, giving her my patented winning grin, and insisting that keeping the kitchen left-over free would be my pleasure.
“Now seriously Mel, about earlier…Don’t pay any mind to what your cousin Krystal said. She’s still a teenager, well, I mean, not like you aren’t either…She’s just been stressed out lately, now that she’s gotta take an online math course over the summer for school or she’ll get held back as a Senior, and there’s boy troubles…Course I can only find out what I can in bits and pieces, she’s over at our neighbor Lindsey’s so much Krystal and I barely have a chance to have heart-to-heart like this now a days. Keep this hush between you an’ me but I think that Lindsey girl is a bit of a bad influence on he. I remember when Krystal would love to…Oh that reminds me! I got something special for dessert!”
My heartbeat quickened and my eyes lit up, Aunt Rhonda clearly knew how to treat her guest’s right, as I’d almost forgot about dessert after that monstrously sized meal. Then my heart sank as I recalled what my aunt had considered a dessert from the few family get-togethers we’d had.
Jello! Jello! It was almost as bad as nothing! No, it WAS as bad. I mean the stuff is like literally water and bones; sure it was as wobbly as I was but that’s where my empathy ended. Don’t get me started on people who try to hide it by calling it knocks blocks or *ugh* stuff it with vegetables, or *gag* buy it in sugar free variety! Just by pudding and call it day.
“I bought ice cream!” sang my savior Aunt Sally, pulling out a brick sized carton of double chocolate chunk. I gave a sigh of relief. “Krystal’s not one for sweets anymore, but I thought it be the perfect treat for the hot summer nights ahead.” She set the carton on the table and returned armed with two spoons in hand. Holy-ee Shit! She was going to eat right out of the carton with me! Oh, I wanted to whip out my phone and send my mom a text right then and there soooo bad. But I didn’t and instead I enjoyed the first of what would hopefully be many a night of just hanging out with my awesome Aunt.
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